Attention Deficiency Writes

Brain Waves

2011-11-29T15:10:00.001+08:00

Humans can be the most ungrateful being on Earth at times. I am one and I know that I occasionally have this 'assface/ass-phase" in life. The times where I feel like this whole world is against me and that Feng Shui/Karma/Voodoo and what nots are out there grabbing me like I am some food supply being dropped into zombieland. I am not alone and I know. That does not make me happy either 'cause there's other neurotics out there like me.

Having that brain check did me some good. At this point where I am still struggling to know how to go about with things, I somehow coaxed myself into numbness. I heard me telling me sweet nothings of things that is secondary nonetheless important.

It really is frustrating to come to realization on a hospital bed after being throughly ogled by some space-tech doppelganger machine. It was like a freakin' avant garde coffin!
I was numb through the entire drama until some quiet time at night. There's where all the mindrama came in.

What if my brain is screwed? What if they find some weird patterns?

I won't be able to laugh it off with "My medical film is artistic. Let's hold an exhibition" or with any stupid tasteless jokes of mine. What would I do? How should I break the news? What do I want to do?

I just really want two things. Cliche but true.

First; I want to spend quality moments with people I love. The boyfriend, the non-biological family, and the family. But, I would like to die with none of them seeing me catch the last breath 'cause I don't want people looking at my stupid gasping for air face. Too ego and vain for that.

Second; I want to make a difference in someone's life. I want to reach out to people and make a difference in their life. This is really what I want to do for a living.

The graphic details of ballistics in my head just really magnify who and what are important. At the end of it, it does make me feel like a dumbass to to pay 2000 bucks and a night of discomfort to figure that out. But I guess, sometimes we just get so bogged down with racing, we focus entirely on the medal, not realizing that we are losing gems that we didn't need to lose.

Ringing Bells and Screamy Nerves

2011-11-26T13:10:00.001+08:00

Alarm. Snooze. Alarm. Shower. Dress-up. Go... to... work...

Typical wake up, office job, come home, catch up with long distance boyfriend, sleep. Repeat the S.O.P. the next day and/or until life is sorted.

Not so for the past two weeks 'cause I woke up and went to work with half my face being paralysed and did not realized until afer lunch. Since I am oh-so-good with attracting weird crap, my auto-brain just processed with it's another allergy episode. No fret. The antihistamines can wait. No panic buttons, no emergency sirens, don't dramatize your life, you don't need it.

Well done. I did not freak out but others did. Symptoms of strokes!!! GO TO THE DOC NOW! So I went. As I pre-diagnosed; allergy. It didn't subside overnight, ok maybe I should start panicking. God of all information, I seek ye; GOOGLE.

Search: half face paralysis
Finding: Bell's Palsy
Personal finding: I'm awesome like that

Went to the doc again 'cause obviously it's no allergy. Felt smart when he told me it's Bell's Palsy 'cause I figured it out through great G. So here comes 60 mg of steroids and Acyclovirs. Medical leave, drugged, mobile internet. Life was spent as such. Weekend over; back to work, still disfigured.

Everything got worse, added two pounds of swell and a dozen of numbness, also it's follow up day. Got a referral letter to seek specialist's opinion.

Specialist opinion: Bell's Palsy + do an MRI to ensure no hanky panky = Admission

Thus, MRI after a long day spent at the hospital, no brain weirdness. Just go electrocute your face and get some facexercise and load up on drugs.

However, I am getting a lot of "nerves" as in pain.

Here's the souvenir of part of my undamaged brain scan.

2011-11-16T19:13:00.001+08:00

When You Think It Worst

Remember when you asked why is life like this? You may have heard that it is a riddle, an adventure, a book that you're the author of, a journey and all the other yaddas yaddas...

Maybe.

There are many ideologies that tries to define life and one of it says "You define life", my thought? It's a yes, no, probably.

When I thought I've hit rock bottom, I am kidding you not, that's not it. There's always a rock at that rock bottom. You're never quite rock bottom if you did not hit the core of the Earth, and pierce through it and then have yourself sling to the other side of where you were. Quite an adventure.

So you think it worst? The worse is yet to come.

2011-11-14T20:05:00.001+08:00

Days Like These

Rain, thunder, lighting - perfect epitome of my life right about, now. I am in this complete spin of I don't knows and hows with a dash of whys. There hasn't been much direction eversince that day and I am once again caught in that though with a bit more direction but all too misty and rocky.

Walking in the mist just brought another cliff dive and start again at ground zero. While some ran forward, I just keep going in circles. How long more and how much more is there to go before I finally find that direction and really, just walk in it.

There are factors and factors and factors. Now that word itself just sickens me. It's all between the brain and the heart. A career that is not quite one, a dream that is far off reach, a financial status that is neither here nor there. Seriously, how did I mess up so badly?

Once again I find myself lost. This is not the first but hopefully the last. Again and again.

Comfort me and let there be hope in this time of despair and pain.

Lamentations 3:25-33

The Message (MSG)

^25-27God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits,
   to the woman who diligently seeks.
It's a good thing to quietly hope,
   quietly hope for help from God.
It's a good thing when you're young
   to stick it out through the hard times.
^28-30When life is heavy and hard to take,
   go off by yourself. Enter the silence.
Bow in prayer. Don't ask questions:
   Wait for hope to appear.
Don't run from trouble. Take it full-face.
   The "worst" is never the worst.
^31-33Why? Because the Master won't ever
   walk out and fail to return.
If he works severely, he also works tenderly.
   His stockpiles of loyal love are immense.
He takes no pleasure in making life hard,
   in throwing roadblocks in the way:

2011-09-11T19:49:00.001+08:00

Oh rigorous bend,
Enlightenment and evidence is before you,
These cringes and wails...
Collectively are seven times taller than the sky,
Are they in vain?

Is there no end that meets?
Ever flowing spring?
Depthless space?
Limitless time?
Is this fate or faith?

Shed and shredded,
Low and casted,
Mercy, mercy, mercy

2011-05-04T13:05:00.001+08:00

Masking it

So yeah they caught me. They saw what was beneath those piles of masks. Its true that I was puttting up all the layers and masks to look strong and brave when inside of me, its all mushed and crumbly.

I'm not happy and I try very hard to be. I bought new paint, I baked, I go out, I kept busy but in all that I do I bled. How can I possibly be happy when the happiness I had is no longer present. I don't know how to smile from my heart anymore. I don't know if you are happy coz I am not. I feel terrible and I don't know how to brave things through. I am not ok, things are not good. I can't put myself to cry coz I need to brave it knowing that you are not there to tell me its ok and that we will figure things out together. Together was what kept me strong, now we are so apart, I don't know how to do this.

I am useless with this coz I kmow very well how much I need you. In all that I do I see your shadow, how am I suppose to face this. Sometimes I wish I didn't have a heart. I miss you and it is the worse feeling ever yet I cannot tell you. I'm lost and I am heartbroken. I am really that useless

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2011-05-02T21:49:00.001+08:00

How Frail

Maybe everyone is right about now big a fool I am. I kept consoling myself and I kept buying the idea that it is good to have my freedom back and the false impression that life is moving on.

It just hit me when I got worried and know that now I am not even able to be there for you. It hurts me to know that there is this big big gap in between.

I can't sleep without mr ray because he is the ray that you gave me. The ray of assurance but now he is a ray of void yet I'm not able to let go of him. I am pathetic and it is sadder 'cause I know of it.

I hope to go elsewhere, start anew and build myself back because all the talk now is a frosting of a fighting crumbling confidence. Yes, because what I had was love and one that I believed in. How is it possible that it is easy? I was just holding it up 'cause I don't need to make more people worry. Suck it up idiot, suck it up.

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2011-04-20T12:20:00.002+08:00

When Facing Facts

At a point when facing becomes so harsh and hard, escaping didn't seem like a bad idea at all, in fact it is the best thing at this point in time. People always say, face it no point in escaping... True but what their wisdom didn't know is the emotional war inside a person is not geared up for that face the reality session. What could be more harmful than escapism is being desperate.

Give it a break and allow escapism to calm the chaos but not let escapism be the solution.

Escapism was served on my table and in the midst of my indulgence, pit stop occured, snapping me back to reality. It is then I felt the hot streams overflowing yet I told myself that I'm bigger than this and just let me indulge and prepare for now.

The pit stops are there to nurture the coping as it gives me small doses of reality, in my case, makes it easier to swallow.

I'm a woman, I work differently. I'm not strong but I pretend to be, hoping that it serves as a vault, where minds would immagine it as a place of beauty. Truth is the vault is stored with none of what those minds had imagined.

Opening it isn't a wrong move though it felt disastrous. How can I guard it? Maybe it's back to building; brick by brick.

Allow my indulgence... Allow it.

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2011-04-17T18:23:00.002+08:00

It's All Too Many In A Little Bag

This is how it feels, putting a hand in an overflowing bag full of a million things and trying to pull out just one thing but it is so full, I had to put the other hand in to pull out and ended with both my hands stucked. Then, I have my hands grasp and brushed against many many different things in that bag but could get hold of none. In a less complicating word; complex.

Previously it was disappointment.

The day before was anger.

Yesterday it's worries.

Just a little while before it's heartbreak.

Now it's sadness as the emptiness and hollowness sinks in inch by inch.

Later, I cannot predict.

But there is one thing that sticks so true is that; I'm not better off without you and it hurts when you think so.

It hurts more 'cause you're not even a jerk to begin with and to hear and watch you being mean to yourself, hurts. How can I bear to watch that someone so dear to me hurt himself like that? When all these times I have been trying my best to care and love him in the best ways that I can.

It's so helpless that the gaps are getting bigger and I have no access of any sort.

I wish you know how heartbreaking this is and how much it pains me.

2011-04-16T10:54:00.003+08:00

When The Anaesthesia Runs Low

How many rain does it take to put out the sun? and how many sea does it take to engulf that ball of light?

Not much really. When the core of it runs out of glow, no rain nor sea is needed to calm it's glow. It dims itself pace by pace 'til it blends in. It is still there if you make an effort to touch it but your eyes may be too distracted to sense it's indifferent presence.

Maybe... Just maybe one day you'd happen to bump in it, in the midst of what they call memories, but just maybe. What am I to do with all these colours and visions and hopes and all the dots you've made and all the lines that I meant to join together, together.

When all the anaesthesia evaporates, all shall awake in jolts.

Maybe another dose of anaesthesia?

2011-04-14T23:33:00.002+08:00

If It Is What It Is

It is probably one of the hardest thing to face when coming home isn't the same like yesterday and the days before.

It would be heart wrenching to hold back what I used to say. To be going back to where it was.

It seems like we're always in this circle. It happened before, now just a deja vu. Reliving the plot in a different scene.

What am I to do with these sweet souvenirs you have left me with? It will bring me to tears because I now realized that it's not the same. It will make my heart sour and ache.

What you have build in this little heart, is a colony.

Definitely the hardest pill to swallow.

But if letting go builds a bridge to betterment, then it is what it is.

2011-04-12T23:14:00.002+08:00

Rights?

So they say rights are your power to determine your wants.

What rights have I got to determine another's life? Not quite if any at all.

I'm not trying to launch a debate here saying I'm right and you're wrong.

Point here is prevention is better than cure.

Should I allow someone to take up a risk that has a multiplier of four when I can choose not to?

I'm not a risk taker, especially not when it involves someone else's living.

Then again, what rights have I got to cross the choices of what God has intended?

I'm just saying because that's how it is now.

I may seem like an overwhelmed selfish psycho at this point and that's quite right.

2011-03-21T19:33:00.002+08:00

Now You Know...

As the dust thickens on those forsaken racks while the leaves gently piles themselves on those stairs... It comes back slowly from the back of my mind of what I've heard but chose to store away.

They once told me that it is not for the weak willed, and faint hearted. I listened out of courteous while the retaliation in me set its frontline to fight the so called wisdom.

How life is weird sometimes... It's like a flu shot. It prepares you even when you are in the zen mode and watch them do the yadda yaddas. Then without you realizing it, slaps you in the face real hard before you have time to snap out of zen. It gives you that instantaneous 2 minutes concussion and chokes you with reality, that's when you wish you had paid attention in that detention.

Apparently that is no bogus.

So now you know.

2011-03-12T15:38:00.002+08:00

When Happiness Is...

not happiness if you're not with me. I am not able to replace that emptiness with anything, not even with the things I thought I love most.

How is it possible that the thigns I love most cannot make me happy anymore? I thought I'd be fine by filling the void with these things but I am not.

I told myself that I'd let go if everything is still unsure but I know I wouldn't want to say that and I am glad that I didn't have to. I thought I am an individualist, I thought I'm the type who can live for myself, I thought I am that independent, and I am wrong.

Because I know what it feels like to be happy, to be that person that I thought I can never be, to be so contented to take care of someone, and to be taken care of. I don't think I can be that independent anymore because I need that someone.

When I know what security is, everything else comes in second. Because that happiness is something I cannot find elsewhere.

2011-02-14T19:33:00.002+08:00

Among the Stars Where She Belongs

When the rain came it is as if you are saying goodbye to me. As if you were there with me throughout my journey to see you. How coincidental, when the rain stopped the moment I stepped out of the car.

I'm sorry that I didn't have the courage to stay longer with you the other day. It was too painful to see you weak like that. I was not expecting this. I'm sorry that I didn't spend more time with you and I'm sorry that I chose to detach myself to a certain extent because I was afraid to lose you. I'm sorry for being selfish like that.

Valentine's would never be the same, it teaches me what love means. Because we never really knew when you were born, but today as you leave me, you never really did 'cause you've etched a very deep memory and meaning in my life.

If it is true that all the stars are made of precious people, I know that you're watching me all day and all night and all my life. You would shine for me when it is dark and you would still be there when it is bright all along.

Thank you for the companionship, friendship, love, protection, and everything that you are to me. I'm sorry if I have let you down in any way, which I know I have. But you have never let me down in any way except the times when you would go crazy with marking the territory, but you should know that despite all that, I still love you and always will.

I miss our durian moments, I miss giving you yougurt cups, I miss my little living vacuum, I miss every moment that I had with you.

I'm not angry that you didn't wait for me to come 'cause I know that you wouldn't want me to see you going away. She said you made some noise and it was just a couple of minutes before I was there. You would know how much of a softie I am from the countless amount of times that you witnessed my teary eyes. I know that you waited for me, I know. I appreciate that and I know what you did was out of your love for me 'cause you would know how I could not handle to see you passing in front of me. I felt the warmth on your body and I knew you did what you think was best for me out of unconditional love.

Thank you for being a very beautiful part of my life.

For one last time, I'm sorry that I have to cry like this I know you won't want me to but I really can't help it. Please forgive me whenever I cry like this.

2011-02-07T22:34:00.002+08:00

As The Count Gets Lesser

Dear dearest,

Yes, this is another undelivered letter to you.

Now at this time, it will be about a week that we'll be in the same timezone and it will be about 10 days before we meet again. I am really excited and happy that we're going to be spending almost 3 weeks together.

The lesser the count gets the happier I am.

And thank you for letting me know how you feel about the trip that I had to choose. I understand why you were angry that I chose somewhere else instead but I am glad that you took time to understand the situation. I really appreciate it. I appreciate all that you have done for me. I am glad that you are coming and I just want to spend time with you 'cause the lesser the count the more I miss you.

Thanks for making this happen.

Love, M

2010-12-31T14:18:00.002+08:00

Closing Of Another Chapter

2010 has been amazing.

At the very last bits of the year, the parcel came by and that made my day. Learnt a lot about each other, learnt to resolve issues, learnt to trust, learnt to many many things. But mostly I'm really thankful for the presence of a special person in my life and how we are working it out through ups and downs. Thanks for being with me.

Moved back home and had more time with the besties. The ones who were there for me through it all and the ones who would never turn their backs on me. Had many many cooking session for church and for fun. That is bliss.

Uni ended, found a new job, met great colleagues who is supportive and caring. Though work is tough for newbies, they were willing to mentor. Learnt from there as well.

The awesome deal of getting a place. I am believing in it.

Though it will be another year of entering New Year without him by my side, I'm still glad that we're together though miles apart.

To barbecues and families!

2011 will be awesome.

2010-12-23T18:01:00.002+08:00

It's Christmas Time

2010 is coming to an end in about a week, Christmas is in two days.

Where's the spirit of festivity in me? Wrapping pressies was fun, shopping for them was fun, receiving is fun. But still... there's this bit of Christmas that isn't filled.

Is it harder to fill when your world gets bigger? Is there more gaps to fill as we grow older?

With all that noise and cheer, it feels quieter and lonelier.

Nothing comes easy, but it gets harder when you are in a daze not knowing what is.

2010-12-15T21:18:00.002+08:00

One Day

When failure defeats a person, it takes a little piece of that person with it. It takes a little courage, a little trust, a little faith, a little bit of that a hundred percent in you.

Everything seems vague and hollow. You walk on ground but an empty ground. Thought of thoughts creeps in, embalming the mind.

One day... when fear speaks for himself, I might have to call for an end. Truly, it is just the mountain of mess that lives in me. If one is not able to speed, why hold another back? If one is not compatible, why be forceful? If one is not good enough, why deteriorate another?

The only justification for this is to not let potential slip by.

2010-11-28T15:01:00.002+08:00

79 Days and You

It seems so long yet so fast that we've made it through the hundreds. Now it's left with 79, and soon it shall be none. I am waiting patiently for that day to come though I am running short on patience itself. 79 days more of emotional turbulence. I detest the waiting but I love what's waiting for me.

Zero is not a perfect number but it is for me... 'cause zero brings us together. Zero is of no value because things of no value is greatly valued that it cannot be valued. Value is only valid for good, fair, and poor. You surpass all of them.

I cannot put myself into a position to equate you with numbers because there simply aren't enough of them.

2010-11-25T19:39:00.002+08:00

My Miles of Tears

Who would have thought that this is how it is? Who would have thought of its possibility?

But life's like that, full of surprises.

Who would have thought that these miles are bringing me tears, like the rainpour outside. So dramatic and unreasonable.

Intangibility takes a lot of courage they say, I braved them saying I am made of iron, I've got training. It will be alright. Guess not.

All I really want is to shine but when I see you right there, my heart starts to tremble and the lacrimal glands fall into a fit, and my rational runs short.

I crumble little by little because that's how connected I am. It gets deeper by the ticks of the clocks. I made a wish in the rain. I hope it comes true because when it does, I'll be happy even when it rains.

2010-11-22T22:00:00.003+08:00

Dandelions

I wish... I wish... that I am a pretty bird. Pretty feathers... melodious voice. I wish... I wish... I could fly high into the skies...

But wishful thinkings are mental illustrations.

I didn't grow pretty feathers, neither can I sing, nor fly... Just a little broken hearted...

The tears nourished the ground, gave me a little space and strength to grow... All puffy and white now, waiting for the flight.

Here comes the horn and away into the wind! Mountains, valleys, oceans...

The wind had brought me here... rooted, bloomed, and set for the wind once more.

A new level, a new horizon...

I am now a better me.

2010-11-17T19:15:00.002+08:00

Kaleidoscope

Shake it, move it! You'll see the patterns changes from one to another. Sometimes from one you like to one you don't quite like. But that's how it works. Don't like this one? Give it a lil' shake and move to another.

That intriguing thing is a testimony to perspectives. The play of mirrors and movements made up images of patterns. Like life itself, shouldn't we look at the same thing with different perspectives?

2010-11-11T18:40:00.002+08:00

It's Feeling

Sometimes life give you the greatest tease. Just when you start having really strong doubts about things, suddenly without you realizing, it is pulled back and given a spin.

These teases comes back with bold statements and basically highlights the important gist, in-your-face style.

Being a sensitive mice that I am, I do wonder how much he cares, how much I matter, what ifs, hows, and what not run through my mind? Nothing! Everything, good or bad. Then I'd get stupidly depresso and wallow in stupidity. I'd be this unreasonable idiot and sulk at my corner. I'd oversee the things he has done and is doing for me. I'm not being fair to him.

But today things took a turn... While at work, I had this immense uneasy feeling and it bothered me so badly. I chose to work instead. It got really bad later on and I had to text him to ask how his day was. I was not worrying for nothing. He was having a bad day.

I sound superstitious. But it's like we connect in some way. 'cause the same happened but I was having a bad day, and he texted.

It's a spin.

2010-11-01T10:56:00.002+08:00

Wishes

There is a reason when people say don't put your hopes up, don't wish too hard, and don't expect, 'cause it'll bring you down when they are not met.

One should never measure their worth against their hopes, wishes, and expectations. But who are we non other than a mere human of flesh that feels. I wonder what am I worth of. Judging from the three, not much to those that meant the most.

As shallow as it sounds, I do live on approvals, appreciations, and of other's affection. This has made me sound like a parasite living off other's but again, I am only human. How am I suppose to live with my very self like a plant who photosynthesizes? If I could, God would've made me a plant of stems and leaves.

A foolish hopeful, a selfish wishes, that's what I am to you. I don't know anymore. Tell me.

2010-10-19T21:07:00.002+08:00

Hope

Just as I woke up with negativity and annoyance this morning and throughout half of the day thinking am I good enough to be? It is one of those wake up on the wrong side of the bed days.

My mind was cluttered with thoughts of how terrible am I at things and a whole bucket load of negativity welled up in me. Then I began to realize that I am being a brat again and tried shrugging it off. It was literally a repeat after me, "Stop it! Think good stuff. Think awesome stuff."

So it switches between good and bad like black and white on a zebra crossing. It sickens me how I am becoming a slave of typicality. Creative sparks is welded into responsibility. Leaving almost no room for imagination to breathe. That is my vice, feeling dry and dull.

Finally after a long day of discounting myself, I folded in with hope. The only strand of string that allows my escape from this welled up negativity.

Hope keeps me going.

2010-10-16T12:21:00.003+08:00

The Pictures of Us

Whenever I look through these static images of us, I feel this edge aching. I can't really explain how intense the impact is. Each and everytime this happens, there's a whole different yet same sets of queries that surge up.

Sometimes reassures, sometimes doubting.

We are extremes, our conditions are extremes...

Can two extremes come together? Blend in and not outdo each other?

Am I your compatible half?

Am I worth the fight?

Why sometimes it feels like everything is so frail because we are not next to one another...

Yet there's this stubborn flickr of hope in me that says it is going to be great.

I surrender to He, who planned and planted His purpose in us.

2010-07-12T15:50:00.003+08:00

Lessons Learned and Learning

When we think we truly know who we are, seriously, we don't. We are just assuring ourselves in this make believe that we know who we truly are. It is normal, we are all human with insecurities and thinking that we know who we are is security.

Put into circumstances and situations, that's when we think we are lost but we've never really known ourselves do we?

I've learnt that things doesn't need to be perfect. Often times we try to search and try to perfect something when it really doesn't matter and by doing so, we overlook what's more important and valuable. We just need to calm down a little and be compose.

We just need to look closer to what matters most and put the ones that don't aside and work on it in a calmer and more composed manner.

2010-05-30T12:26:00.003+08:00

Value, this word came strong to me. What exactly is value? To me it is the amount of emotional attachment I have with a certain subject. In which it can be both tangible and intangible. Despite being the best surprise spoiler, I am good with surprises within myself. It's weird how I actually don't really understand myself as how I love to believe that I do. Value come really close with this one.

Staring right outside my window, I can see the beautiful blue sky with thin spread clouds, we've come this far. It made me realised how much I value where we are at the moment. Value, you definitely have a lot of it in my life. Learning more about you helps me discover my other self, a very different person that I never had the chance to know.

The value that lies within cannot be measured by the riches nor poor of the world. I can feel the sincerity through the immense effort that you put into in trying to make me happy and comfortable. I'm really glad and grateful for all that you have done. I can't put them into words, thus this came in very scattered.

2010-05-19T10:34:00.002+08:00

Being A Professional Bum

Alright! It's home and no more uni. I am bored and restless and I miss my stressful life. I'll regret saying the last one but I feel like that. I'm not doing anything productive at the moment. So what does it take to be a professional bum? Seriously it takes a lot. I'm becoming so bored at home I don't know what to do and I'm losing my mood to do stuff. That's terrible.

I might want to start painting and crafting again 'cause it always keep me busy. I now know why old retired people get all frustrated and bitter. Being unproductive is really challenging mentally. Wow this is not even worthy of a post.

2010-05-07T01:10:00.002+08:00

The Closing Of Another Chapter

I've never been so happy or excited to go for an exam but today's. I'm really lucky 'cause this is one of my favourite course for this semester and throughout my undergrad studies.

I was excited because it is my last paper in my uni life, my last undergrad exam, and most importantly, I'm graduating. I don't have to come back and live in this place. I don't have to climb five storeys up and down to go to my room or to buy something. I don't have to pack and unpack every couple of months. No more long bus rides. No more handwashing my clothes. No assignments with referencing system. Awesome!

I have so many things to look forward to after this. Went to dinner with Jonathan, one of my best friends in uni, going home in a few hours time, meeting my best friends and have our little celebration, going to Australia to spend time with Lyon and to do a lot of catching up with him, and to find myself a place in the working world. The last one is a mixed of both excitement and fear.

I did the last bit of what I do so much in uni, I went stargazing. It was thundering and there were lightning before this but the thundering died off. So I decided to stargaze after packing most of my things. I went alone. It made me think a lot. The people I was with and now they are all away from me. I realized that it doesn't even take uni to end to drift you apart. I was disappointed with how things went but this is life, people will go their own way. Maybe that's why I am reluctant to be really close to someone because it hurts when people drift away. I don't tear up quite often when people depart, that's because I've never been that close to them. This time though it hurts because I put my bet on it and I lost. So that explains why I don't really have secrets, I don't really mind people knowing me because secrets are exclusive. I don't like it when people use this exclusivity as a trade, secrets holds you down. I don't like to be held down like that. At times like this, I am thankful for those who never walk out on me.

I'll be home soon, I don't know how I'll handle this whole at home culture thing. I'm going home as another person a newer version of the one that left three years ago.

2010-04-22T13:49:00.002+08:00

Fragile Things

Dear all,

This is a letter of proclaim on behalf of fragile things.

The intention of this letter is to declare that even the fragile is worthy.

Remember Humpty Dumpty? Well his line of generation would be of my concern today. 'cause not only he made it big with the nursery rhyme, he's the most appropriate metaphor for this proclaim.

I am of a person with too many curiosity which almost always put me into not situations that are not too good a flavour to blend. Today, I'm in one of those again.

Society, is a contradiction. With or without one, you'll still have a hard time. You die with one and still die without one. It's gloomy that way.

The living queries in my mind are the value tagging activity in a society and the clusters they sort us into. Fragile people would be put into the cluster of "Next to Obsolete" which literally means they are better off with the obsoletes than here. That is society, the dark side; cruel, judgemental, and unforgiving.

Hey Society! This letter is for you. Read them word by word and understand it.

Let me tell you that even the fragiles are worthy. Worthy of something 'cause everyone is worthy in different ways. We are not those assets that you can value with your barcode scanner programmed with a systematic pricing formulae. We are valued differently, 'cause our values are intangible. You cannot extrapolate us in financial methods, we don't work that way.

Fragile people are valuable too because deep inside there is something very very special and valuable inside that frail shells of theirs.

Eggs... They are fragile, they need that extra care when you handle them. If you don't you'll break them with a very undelightful manner and it will be a mess. However, when you break them carefully... you'll get the great properties that lies right there in the middle of it's protection fluids, you'd get the yolk.

The same way it works for fragile people. They need the right care and the right break with precision. You'd see the most valuable of them inside that fragile shell. Didn't you know that precious things are meant to be taken care of with a lot of care? Why would the museums and national archives have security? It works the same way.

Fragile things, you either get the best or the worst of them.

2010-04-19T18:49:00.002+08:00

Distractable Creatures

I'm reallllllly bad at staying focus during exam times. I can't seem to just stay put and study my heart out. Arffff! I had my facebook quarantined... I shut down the laptop, I study then fall asleep. Seriously, I got to stop all that and just study.

There's this dread in study. It gives me that gloom and that mind blockage thing.

My lecturer is right in some ways... He said that I'm not performing up to my standard. I'm like only halfway to my potential. He was disappointed in me. I don't know what I've been doing, what I'm doing, and what I'll be doing.

How did I even get there? I don't know... I'm so distractable. Creatures like me... sometimes are beyond save. I better be studying. I should, I have to.

2010-04-06T19:35:00.002+08:00

If I Have Millipede Legs

What if I really do have legs like millipedes?

Maybe... just maybe...

I'll be able to move faster...
Feel less tired as I have more support...
Have a good reason to buy more shoes...

I doubt that though, 'cause I know me too well.

I'll probably trip myself to death...
Get more broken leg...
But the buying shoe part would absotruely happen!

2010-03-28T00:30:00.003+08:00

I shudder, I shudder, I shudder...

In a month, I'll be let loose to decide my destiny through this chapter of adulthood, in full autonomy. OH YEAHHHHH! Do what I want to do, live how I want to live... DOUBLE OH YEAHHHHH! Sounds supreme. It does, if you have a concrete direction not build on clouds and sand. Disney doesn't happen on this tarred road that gets either too hot or too cold.

Burst! Burst! Burst! All your airy colourful bubbles.

The world is a better place with traffic lights and even better with people taking it seriously. The traffic lights are gone now 'cause you are your own traffic light. Red, Yellow, Green. Whats and whens are in your hand!

By now, your mind should've had a distinct sense to your direction. Yet, all that's there is a cloud of mist occupying the gap formed by your skull. Awesome.

With that cloud of mist working its way up there, wobbly came crashing in to heat it up. That's how steam pressures work. So in the end, you look like a retarded zombie.

Is this the mortar board dilemma?

2010-03-21T17:22:00.003+08:00

Me and I on a Sun(ny)day

I value 'me time' in fact I overvalue them. There are days where I'd just sit alone looking at the sky and the trees, just me and myself. I find it peaceful to speak to myself. I admit that I think a lot. I like to think and I enjoy it. There are times I wish I could go somewhere alone and spend time with myself. It is important to me that I have quality time with myself and the only presence I want when I get into this mode is nature.

I get alone time today as my classes were cancelled. I should be happy but I'm not. There is a sudden pang of loneliness that crept in me. I started missing everyone badly and it is one of the worse ones since I've been away from home in these three years. Suddenly it felt as if everyone is far away, too far from me.

All these late nights and assignments had me neglected a lot of people. People that matters a lot to me. I went far from them. I feel sorry for myself that I've become this workaholic that doesn't sleep and pushes myself beyond the limit.

I need to learn to be dependent. I have issues with dependency and I know that I need to be dependent 'cause I can't do everything on my own. Well it's just hard 'cause I've been independent almost at all times. I'll learn it but it's going to take time.

I know I might've disappoint people when I just kept quiet when they ask me to depend on them. It's not that I don't trust you, it's that I'm not used to it. I'm sorry. I'm learning and this is one of the toughest thing to do. So please just have some patience with me. I'm trying.

2010-03-18T14:24:00.003+08:00

Directory

The thick book of numbers and names and ad spaces. Names listed in alphabetical order, industries and sectors... Printed in tiny fonts on thin paper, it would make your eyes bleed when you try to read it like a novel.

A directory is suppose to get you to your target destination but more often than not it takes you for a ride. Browsing through the thick clustered book of information, if you can call it a book.

Basically thats how we live. We aim at a goal but we don't usually get there so quickly and easily. You've got to identify, go through the strain of finding it, and put effort into getting there.

Directory. It doesn't get you there, it directs you to the first clue.

That's what it does.

My find in the directory? To be frank, I'm reading it like a novel. A little scanning and skipping. Too many words, too many numbers... But somewhere along the way I believe, I'll stop reading it like a novel.

2010-03-16T00:42:00.003+08:00

12.42 in the a.m.

Two Red Bulls is not keeping my shutters up. How did that happen? BullLeh? I don't think so. It's Tak Boleh for me now. I can't even process simple info. I think it's the crash again, no it's just a crack now.

It's the monthly blood drive (get it?), late nights, early mornings, and the latest member of honour, sniffles and tissues. The amount of Coke I consumed over the week is sufficient to get me Diabetes in 1 month. Coke is the new Panadol. That should be the next doodle.

I can foresee the crash in a week. It better not happen while I am trying all sorts of anti-virus here. You name it I got it! Herbal tea, lots of water, 100 plus, Chinese Herbal Syrup... Whatever I can grab. I'm awesome at self medicating. Maybe I should get some advice from the Chief Monkey at the jungle behind college.

What I need now is recharging. I'll shut down for two hours and hope that I'll restart in time.

I should enrol for "Self-Valuing" course.

To Recharging! *and.hope.that.i.don't.die.halfway.*

12.56 a.m.

2010-03-15T00:49:00.002+08:00

I'm Also Made of Flesh and Blood

Through these years, I've cried silent tears, fell sick in the dark, and is weak from the inside. My shoulders aren't that wide to carry all that's befallen unto me. I'm not an umbrella to shade and shield you from the weather. 'cause I need shelter too.

Beneath this surface you call skin resides flesh and blood. They are real, they feel pain and they bleed too. Just as you bleed and tear. I do too. 'cause I'm not any lesser or more than you.

I'm not born tall, I need those heels. But what I don't need is you putting me on that high stairs... For you to have a reason to think that I'm that admirable and abled. I am not that great, in fact far from great. 'cause I'm just as ordinary as my face says.

I'm not strong, smart, or whatever goodness that you think I am. I am none of that. I'm just stubborn. Plain old stubborn. 'cause I'm born with a head of rock and neck of steel.

I strive. I strive hard. Sometimes more than what I could afford. At all expense, at all situations. Get beaten to the ground, stand, and strive again. Sometimes I run right after, get injured, stand, and aggravate my wounds. 'cause I'm just naive that way.

I refuse to let you, you, and you down. I tire myself to live up to that stairs I put myself on and that me you've modelled in your mind. Only to get myself more of you and less of me. 'cause in the end I'm doing it for the betterment of you then me.

Really, I'm just as plain, uninteresting, normal, and weak like an ordinary.

Expectations.

2010-03-12T23:03:00.002+08:00

The Sky Chaser

I went to town by bus today. I secretly like bus rides, the old school buses with windows pushed down. I like to feel the wind against my face. It makes me think of the times when my grandpa used to bring me for rides on his motorcycle.

So today, I sat on my favourite spot, by the window...

Wind against my face, I looked at the sky. It was blue and clear with some white fluffy clouds... the way I like it.

The sky, I like the sky. It comforts and assures me when I can't find peace within myself.

I looked at the sky throughout the ride. The sky fascinates me. There is no ending to it... you can never find an end point looking at it. Its vague horizon beyond us...

As I gaze, I thought in silence... The sky is so big, vague, limitless, and beautiful. It's dreamlike gazing at this big vague space above my head. I felt like I have a lot in me, I feel this ample of space allowing me to do what I want...

It feels like the sky is always with me that same spot I was looking at, the sky is following me, chasing me, as I move. That is of course naive. I knew that the sky wasn't chasing me. Instead, I'm chasing it... Chasing it with my gaze. Like how we chase our dreams...

Then I looked at the ground, the plants were dead, burned.

The sky, where dreams live. The ground? That's where reality is.

But I'm the sky chaser.

2010-03-08T12:46:00.002+08:00

Personal Declarations

So, my absence here explains a lot with what has been happening in my life lately. Apart from crazy schedule of due dates and mid-term exams and going outs, there is something else. I don't usually expose too much of personal things except the angry rants and tantrums. But this time it's different.

I know I am a champion at making my blogs private, I'm not going to make this one private, I'll try not to. So this post is actually quite a surprise. I'm surprise if any of you still come here. But if you do, here it is.

I am now not an individualist anymore. I am now in a relationship with a person whom I called my best friend from as far as I can remember. We're not perfect people, we have our flaws but I'm happy that way. So confession is the emo posts are mostly about him before we hit the official button. Sometimes life is weird like that. We didn't see it coming as we thought how it would be a large scale impossible but we did it.

There would be a great deal of challenges for us to face in future to secure what we have build everyday since I don't remember. Thing is I'm glad that we are willing to take it up and to work on it. No one knows where the future lead but we know that we're working towards the future. Many people wouldn't understand what it takes for us and how this is not some for-fun games. That's okay with me, even when people look at me as a fool. 'cause they were never there along the roads we traveled, the bumps and storms we've braved as well as the laughter and affection we've shared with one another. The joy and happiness that we bring for each other...

No one would understand it like us.

2010-01-22T20:35:00.003+08:00

Menthol Crystals (Ice)

I'm inhaling Menthol Crystals which Dad and I called "Ice". I'm at it again, I fell sick again. The typical flu, cough, fever, sore throat thing. I hate it when I get flu. It blocks my airway and made it hard to breathe and it makes my eyes droopy. It feels like you're sleepy when you're really not.

I'm suppose to be doing my assignments but my mind is as blocked as my nose. Nothing seems to flow through the numbness. None of the people I want to talk to is online. I feel so lonely at the moment. It's the being sick part that's got the best of me. I feel so incompetent to myself, my healthy self.

It's really getting to me and it's making me an emo-bitch. Looking at how I'm always sick and breakable. I feel so incompetent. Quite recently I was walking too much and exerted Scarley The Left and it hurts so much. I've come to the point where I know that I cannot go for jungle trekking and extreme stuff. I am not saying that I've come to terms with it, in fact I'm quite reluctant to accept it. That makes me emo. I don't know how small things snowballs itself and makes me emo.

Few more months and I'll be a graduate. I'll be off on my own feet. No more parents financing. Thus, I'm going through the dilemma of what will I do, what am I going to do? I hate to think of it 'cause I don't really have a direction, lost it along the way. I admit that I don't take one day at a time, I hate to be insecure. TADA! There you go, Mel!

I want to be a soap bubble. Float and burst and that's it. Along the way you make people happy and then you burst and disappear. I am on some unknown tantrum. I'm being a 5-year-old.

2010-01-14T13:54:00.001+08:00

Drying Up

It has been insanely long since I wrote anything that is not in the academic flavour and I find it hard to believe that my mind is drying up in the way I see things. I miss the times where I can relate to almost anything and see it from another point of view. Create a very strange and surreal connection to it and salvage it all like it's some diamond dusted lollipops.

I miss writing. I hope that this weekend getaway would reunite my "normal" neurons and have some electrocution take place, burn down all these tedious academic formalities that I have temporarily installed. These dry and tedious program had transformed me into a boring, practical, and uninteresting object. I see a cup as a cup and a table as a table. Sigh... when did my world become so logical and formal. BORING!!!

I need my warped mind back! I miss the swirlies and colours and bubbles in my painted world. This reality is killing my nerves! I hate how the world had things etched in "practicality" and rigidness. We are kids in this big playland. Why freeze everything and make the world gloomy and grey? As much as I hate it, this uninteresting side of the world is slowly pulling me into it's gravity. *screams*

This Island Escapade better do me good. A little bit of nature and alone time and friends and some mind-swirling drinks.

Signing off is,
Mel the Boring

2010-01-02T18:48:00.002+08:00

Reminder: It is The Second Day of 2010

Ok... I feel like being doped straight down to the bitter bitch. Made worse by being overly jealous of someone who have a macho dog and worse still I don't even know that person in reality. Listening to Coldplay... that's like feeding lemon to lime. I was so hyper just a few hours ago and now it feels like the dark cloud floated above my puny head and give me a good shower and zapped my brain.

I skipped from being commercial happy that it's a New Year to check-in to Hotel Emo. Phew... It's the New Calendar that resides on my right with a picture of a hot car in gold, the cause. It is the fact that it is January 2010, to be precise the 2nd of January 2010. Oh damn, I only have two more years to live. Ok, I was joking on that one. Chatting with my besties I shouldn't be in emo-ville but I am. Mood swings and hormones. Whoever said being a woman or the fairer sex is easy? Freaking chauvinists. It takes a lot of effort to be a woman!

I just realised that I didn't have a "Resolution List" this year. I stopped planning my life in details like I used to. I would've drafted a 2-year plan knowing me but this time around I didn't. When people asked me the most dreaded question of year 2009/2010, "What are you going to do after this?" I smiled unwillingly, as a duty of mannerism and said, "I don't know". Those close to me have this look on their faces going, "For real? The planning freak didn't plan?" Thing is I have been planning my life for, forever and seeing as how most of it screwed up, I guess this time I'd sit back and enjoy the breeze wherever the wind brings my sail.

I mean what's the point of planning when more than 60% of it just go otherwise and some just slip in, out of no where and when you least expects it. In a snap of your fingers, your life change and diverge from the picture you've been painting and still painting. Life paints itself. I've learned that with so many paintings in hand. Not forgetting the ever growing white canvas that feels like a birthday gift, you know each year you get some extension on the canvas. As if telling you, "Don't paint over your previous ones, start fresh". Or so I thought. Thing is the canvas didn't grow, I was the maniac who thought I've filled my canvas with the intense concentration of what I want to see and the intensive detailing I've put myself to focus on the square that I can control, so I thought. I fail to shift my sight to the ever wide canvas that was laid in front of me. I'm just a human, ordinary and flawed. I get obsessed with what I thought I can control until the paint drips onto the painting, unexpectedly of course. Only then I realized that I've been caging myself in this square and have neglected the unoccupied ones. So yeah, I lived in this tiny square of legacy.

The drip made my painting flawed, in my eyes. It is a package that comes with the OCD installed in me. The least I can do is make this drip less obvious by compromising. That is, creating a new image and paint it until another drip comes by. It is a cyclical process. To be honest, I am tired of running in circles chasing my own shadow and trying to paint it, again failing to understand that it doesn't work that way. I see myself not in the mirror but in that shadow I've been chasing. But shadows are dark, a reflective of what you are doing. How can I find myself there, who am I kidding? Me. So that is why I can never see myself and I dig deeper in the ground over my shadow, got confused and I only see emptiness. So the chase to perfection runs itself like a rally that never ends.

Chasing myself in that crazy loop eats my energy, made me ignorant, and made me a harsh bag to myself. It's chasing a carrot, and yeah that made me feel like a donkey. I've always lived in this crazy OCD planning and chase for a long time, all I know is to cope with the detours and compromise the weather change. In fact it drains me when things don't come along smooth sailing, I'd get depresso, treat myself like garbage, give myself a double dose of harsh, self punishment was as natural as breathing.

2009, thank you for putting me through a railway of nails and blades in my painting. If not for that, I'd still be that big ignorant fool. Who believes in her square, who chases her own shadow. It taught me to lower my ego and to have faith in myself and in others. To believe that I need others too and that I am not good with being self-sufficient. That was one of the bad episode of my life but like all the bad episodes, I learn and progress from it. Like all bad episodes, it prepared me for a good ending. I fell hard, wounded, and was mentally injured. The incident doesn't matter anymore but what did is the time spent on healing and recovering. 'cause those are the times when I look at the world with ego almost out of sight. The world amazes you when you are looking at it from the bottom.

So 2010, this is what I'll do, I will let you take me wherever and I am only going to plan things that is concrete and not by any means construct concrete. To the coming 363 days, I have no idea what is coming but I am glad that I'm not in it alone. The probabilities that I'd fall back into that stupid person I was are there but I'm not planning on how to exterminate that 'Personality A' of mine 'cause I still have some of it in me. So no Plan A or Plan B in mind. Though I can foresee that there are certain tough beef out there for me to chew, I'll just sit back and chill until it hit me. Just me and the wind.

I realise that the no resolution list is somewhat untrue in a definitive way, but hey don't take things in that literal fashion.

Mel,
The ex-convict of planner-holic.

2009-12-01T13:46:00.000+08:00

It's Bumming Time

After a crazy time battling semester 5, finally it's over. Now I'm given the freedom to think and express! That's what I enjoy the most during the semester breaks, I find it peaceful and productive. Yes, even if it is sitting in front of Breandan, Etsying the whole day. I get inspired when I look at beautiful things, and getting my hands dirty with paint spells awesomeness.

Now that some things in my life has changed and the people in my life are connected in different ways, I'm glad for the changes. It is not an easy thing to handle but we're learning and going through it together. It is hard but I believe that we can pull through. If we could all these times, we definitely can for this particular time.

I don't know how life would be in 5 years, but I know that I am living this moment and that 5 years still have that space for planning but plans don't always work unless there is action in it. Living this moment for the future!

Mel.

2009-10-17T18:13:00.000+08:00

bLack Coffee

The alluring smell of a hot cup of coffee... Mmm... So powerful and assuring.

Of love and coffee... Both relate well. The commercial coffee-love in movies, boy goes to Starbucks orders a take away combo-ed with the cute barista's number... Bumped into each other a few blocks away and find that they both have some common interests... falls in love, classic conflicts occurs, married. End of story.

That's not my point here. Its not about the movies, though life and movies are converging in this media dominated generation. Drama is happening in reality and you don't even need to pay to watch them. Just conveniently turn your head and look around.

So, this love and coffee thing... It sprung up while I had my caffeine. I love black coffee despite hating bitter tasting food. The bitterness in black coffee has a unique and acquired taste that my palate favours. In fact the bitterness tastes sweet to me in some queer-absurd condition and it got me addicted, leaving me wanting more.

Like love, I believe it has its bitter-sweet elements. Of course the unique and acquired, blend in like that of water and caffeine to make it awhole. Observations of the love birds and people in love around me, made me see it this way.

The in-love... they might hate bitter food but when it comes to the coffee, they'd take it in and savour it. It has an unexplained sweetness to it and the addiction? Terrifying. They keep coming back for more despite that bitterness. The palate craves for it in a very strange way and like caffeine, it gives you that tingle in your heart as well as the extraordinary memory of its lingering after-taste.

Like black coffee, we might not like bitterness but in a certain bitterness; it is sweet. To black coffee!

Signed,
Lover of black coffee

2009-10-13T00:52:00.000+08:00

Beneath The Suit

The Earth is like a stage. Life is the title of the 'play'. We are the actors and actresses. The only major difference is that we don't know the script and there is no second take or rehearsals in this play.

Its a masquerade. What's real on this stage? The physiques? The costumes? or The props?

All of them are but what's not entirely real? The character in its role-play.

Once the make up and costumes are shredded... There is nothing but you, the mirror and an empty room with nakedness... That is real.

No one can be as real as when they are with themself but that, is not entirely true... Sometimes when the acting sinks deep into one's soul, it becomes a kind of nature... Discreetly known as sedating...

What is there under this suit of epidermis?

Something that only its owner know of.

2009-09-28T14:18:00.002+08:00

The Best Stranger

Strangers... Exactly who are they? Random people we don't know that comes and goes around us. To them, we are strangers as well. We walk into so many people day in and day out, but what we didn't walk into, are their lives. Most of the people we see, we see by the surface; look, smile, walk away. Ok, maybe a little bit of speaking... but that's all. We only go into details with the people we are close to and in these days, the psychologists, counsellors and therapists?

The trends has changed. The fashion is today. People? They change, they live in today's world. Nowadays, many people's best friend are bought. The mental health practitioners, the drugs, the bars, the tv, the internet... It goes on. That doesn't make everyone's though, 'cause there are still people who befriend other people and have bffs - that's best friends forever(s) that are genuinely not generated from cash. Those are becoming extinct.

There can be trends, fashion, hypes and all of that momentary 'excitement' but there are some that would go into the 'evergreen' lane. The 'evergreen' that's in my mind right now, its not that 'green' after all. One of the many 'hit' quotes are the ones that say 'you know yourself best', I think that's a fashion that has been falling out a lot in this trendy world. It has always been there but I cannot verify if its popularity is getting bigger or otherwise.

What I know is that people seem to think that they know what they are doing but most of the time they are all tail chasing. Hoping to grab what they see and running for it in circles... in the end its not even what they wanted because to begin with, they are wearing a suit that's not made for them. Today I am one of them. I chase my own tail hoping to get a view of what is inside and I keep losing out. There are so many other me(s) outside of this physique that knows me better than the me. Looking inside and trying to find me is a lot of work and complication. I got blocked by some cold butter from breakfast, knocked down by some adrenaline from running after the bus and in the end of the day when my system calls for a shut, me sits at the corner where me started and still wonder.

The best stranger? Me.

2009-09-10T14:58:00.002+08:00

It's All in That Fist of Mine!

For the past months... Things got harder, issues got bigger, emotions went harsher... In all of that, I came down with myself and started a domestic inquiry on myself.

Questions:

1. What do you have?
2. Who are you?
3. Who do you want to be?

Those three, really short stuff but it occupies your mind for the longest time ever. I could answer them all but really, could I answer them?

I wouldn't say I did, but I have a draft of it not an answer sheet of it. There are more editing, spellchecks, grammar checks and what-so-ever checks that's needed to be done.

So many twigs come out from those roots... I don't even know for sure where these twigs are leading me to, which direction is it growing towards, and whether it will flower in the end... I just know that there are three branches and a trunk that will hold me up through the process... As for whether it'll flower or not, I know for sure that it will be there somewhere, big or small, tall or short, it will be there...

The three answer that wouldn't change are;
1. All I have is my heart which is the size of my fist.
2. Who I am is what my heart is.
3. I want to be what my heart desires me to be.

I'm not so big after all, for all I really have is only one thing, my heart which is just a fistful. After all, I'm only human.

If I only have a fistful, I should take really good care of it, protect it and treasure it.

Just to add a gist of cheese to it;

"If I am willing to give you my heart, do you know how much that means?"

xoxo,
me

2009-09-05T22:24:00.003+08:00

Gravity

Phew! I'm not floating in space. That's gravity, it keeps you grounded. Well, the good side of it at least.

Grounded? I am, physically. Mentally? Pretty much, just ignore the wilder-insane corner of my mind. Other than that, I'd say that I am more grounded than most of them.

Gravity is good for nature... Won't want flying cows and horses do we? Not for me. Just that too much of it can be disastrous. I guess when you are favoured by gravity, it isn't much of a favour. Too much gravity vacuums you to the ground having that quicksand-ish plot. The difference is; quicksand as its name suggests, acts quickly and barely allow you to fight, it swallows you like a hungry Python. Gravity is more playful, it pulls you down but not without some game of tug-of-war; the more you pull away, the more it pulls you. It gives you some fighting and chances? Whatever the result is you're still going to lose. The measurement here lies in the degree of your loss. How far will you be pulled?

Gravity, gravity... So much effort is needed for detachment but it is not made possible unless we go out of Earth, to space, a place where gravity is non-existent. As long as we are on Earth, we are all Gravity's little plaything.

Gravity... keeps you grounded...

2009-08-27T16:39:00.004+08:00

Faith

The dictionary said;

trust in somebody's ability or knowledge; trust that somebody or something will do what has been promised

Faith... how it all came to me and how it got a stronger hold in me through a sentence or two. How God work in miraculous ways and plans everything so precisely that it shall fall and slip into the gaps of our thoughts.... Finally, the way it convinces you. The creator, upstairs above us is really good at putting people at awe. No wonder, 'The AWEsome God'.

Just as I was sinking in the realm of doubts, sitting on the island of uncertainties and wallowing in what-you-would-usually call insecurity, He made me aware that I am not alone. I boarded the ship of insecurity alone, my thoughts... I failed to notice that I have boarded and checked into a room in the ship. All these while, I was looking at the sea through a window and it felt like I was in the ship alone.

I guess it is a mistake everyone make in life, its belittling to call it a mistake, a lesson it is. Feeling that my friends are in other ships and how they are sailing away... As the thoughts reside in my mind, the views in my window looked different. Suddenly the sea looked rougher, darker, more mysterious... The sky seems suspicious, then I began developing this air of awareness around me. Every step, every move and every breath is noted down. I feel choked, claustrophobic, and faint. Everything looked spinny and swirly... I am helpless.

It rang but I am too dizzy to notice. So it rang and rang and rang... The bubble of delusion finally burst, I stepped out and I realised that all of them are on board with me just in different rooms. Different windows, different decks, different views... But the same ship.

Faith... there's where it cuts in... Like a surgery knife opening the valves in your heart clearing the clogged vessels, allowing fresh oxidised blood to rush in... Resuscitating the colour of the lips... Faith... that's how it came...

Just in a different physique... the feeling? Same... or maybe greater.

Faith,
I wonder if you have a gender, a reason, or an attitude?
I don't know really...
But what I do know is that you are intangible but intact.

Faith,
You are to me, this sense of trust, hope, and belief that has no substantial prove over a matter.
You are purely something that;
those who can't see call blind,
those who can't hear call deaf,
those who can't speak call mute...
Physically dead but spiritually alive
Because;
I cannot see, hear or speak of you...
As if crippled or dead...
But you are very much alive in me...

Faith... that's what you are to this rebel child.

2009-08-16T19:13:00.002+08:00

U-turns

U(you) turn, does it get you to where you were? My answer would be definite and its a NO. It doesn't get you to where you were. It get you to the opposite direction of where you were... But it does not bring you to where you were because opposite does not equate to same.

Some people tries hard to go back to where they begin, making numerous of U-turns, going through the same routes, stopping at the same traffic lights, listening to the same old CD but they fail to realise or rather they chose to stay in denial that they are travelling at the opposite direction. The bystander at the bus stop, the random cyclist, the birds... are not the ones there before. Season changes, plants wither... the driver is not the same person like before. Everything has changed, the Earth spins, though very slowly, it spins. Like the Earth, little changes are changes though little...

So why does these people insist to live in such denials? Mostly to do right what they have done wrong. To compensate what they had previously abused.

Bear in mind that life is not static... is not motionless...is not constant...

Somethings can only be done once and once only.

2009-07-19T22:42:00.005+08:00

Fitting In

As I grow, in terms of age, I become more and more aware about this translucent classification of the society. The groupings, barriers and factors that allow one to be automatically or even superficially subscribed into what used to be social class has now, expanded itself into social genre.

Does this world really need to be so systematic and specific in everything that the living needs to be classified according to finer clusters? You already have animals, plants, and human. Then you have Asians, Europeans, Middle-Easterns and so on... What OCD this world is in? Being utterly unreasonable in keeping everything spick and span. As if it is not enough that those groupings have detailed sub-categories, they need to fertilise and further grow the branches. The world seems to have an acquired taste for details. I don't see the necessity in it and think that it is rather discriminatory as I don't fit in any of those "social genre", perhaps there's one that would fit me perfectly well, "the social outcast".

I really don't fit in any of those social genre and have been living a life that stays as "the social outcast", never belonged nor belong to any of those groups and was never really accepted into a particular what-they-would-call "community". I'd say it's pretty disappointing to live like a nomad in this world, never belong to any of them. Oh frustration, frustration.... I miss out on 'feeling of belonging' and the support of a community.

I do feel left out whenever people cluster and form this clique within themselves like amoebas' conference with a thin wall built merely on 'superficiality' and 'reality'. The rules to be in the circle? Sign up and be a member with fitting requirements. So either you are really like that or just fake to be one. The deal? Your choice, you choose.

Self consolation: Being an Outcast and a Minority is Awesome! WE THE ODDBALLS ARE COOL! WE ARE WHO WE ARE. WE DON'T FIT OURSELVES INTO SOCIAL MOULDS.

2009-07-13T18:54:00.002+08:00

Rock Bottom?

Life and hitting rock bottom... I've had that like at all time. So I'd say it is some kind of a series... You know, season 1 then season 2 and so on.

This semester has been a real test to me. Having a whole week of real mess. I'd rather not rewrite the mess that I went through all over again.

Being strong? Its one of life's hardest lesson. At least it is for me. One can only cultivate to being strong through the seasons of catastrophe... that however, can result to two outcome; destruction or improvement.

I believe that no one grow strong but one is pushed to be strong.

Hit rock bottom at the point of your life? Piled by stones? There seem to be no light... What could one do?

Nothing or something.

I'd like to think that one should dig the ground, break the rock and further than the bottom you've landed. Who knows what gem you might find there? Go build some muscles and stamina.

Rock Bottom? Dig in more.

2009-06-25T14:10:00.008+08:00

If I Were To Die, I Want You To Follow This: 1st Draft

I know this sounds awfully morbid but being an urban young chinese the word 'pantang' doesn't come near to me. I don't see why people fear death so much. I am not fond of funearals but I don't mind myself dying. Its a natural thing, you were born and now you'll die.

Attending a funeral recently had my family talking and it came to me that I actually want to plan my own funeral. I don't see anything wrong in it. Its part of life and why not make use of it. Ok, fine I am obsessed with personalising stuff. Yes, even my own funeral.

Now lets get started,

1. Anyone who comes near my coffin MUST wear colourful clothes. Try not to wear the mourning colours. Wear as much and as bright and happy colours as possible.

2. I want my poetry to be compiled into a booklet and is given as a gift to those who come visit.

3. I want my paintings to be put up so when they run out of topic they can talk about me. hahaha

4. I want a slideshow of photos to be playing, especially of the good times I had.

5. I want a guess book made of big art block and there would be colour pencils and SHARPIES! So people can doodle on it.

6. Worship songs should be playing all day round. Haven't had a list though...

7. People should be served with happy food and happy drinks, there should be BUBBLEGUMS, LOLLIPOPS, and COLOURFUL SWEETS.

8. Sing Happy Birthday to mark my second birth with the Lord.

9. Throw a party after my cremation!

I am serious about this. I want my funeral like that. I know that dying makes people sad but why put more sadness to it? We should spread some joy and have fun with me 'the physical' before I turn into compost and ashes. Its the way to pay your last respect to me.

So make sure this is done for me. Else, I'll probably haunt you. Hehehe...

2009-06-15T14:33:00.000+08:00

Precious

At the brink of dawn with a mind subconsciously awake, suddenly there was a jolt of the subconscious and the conscious... The current of the subconscious pulled me in and told me this;

"You know why you were so afraid Mel?
All these while you were so scared?
The times when you freaked out... Worried... Skeptical... and being a Paranoid?
And you still are
Do you know why?
Have you come to realization?
All those turbulent emotions...
Have you thought?"

Honestly, I didn't...
I thought it was just a normal reaction in the form of complexity called me...
A person who overthinks.
Not until the subconscious nailed it in;

You are so afraid, so skeptical, so paranoid, so worried, so freaked out
because it was
PRECIOUS

YOU are;
afraid of losing it,
skeptical of being wrong,
paranoid of breaking it,
worried of hurting it,
freaked out for acknowledging it

because it is PRECIOUS...

It is so precious that you want to guard it all the time,
Keep it safe but reachable,
You are afraid of reaching it and holding it in your hands...
because you are afraid of exposing it to danger,
thus, you torment your senses with it...

PRECIOUS...

That was it. It is PRECIOUS

2009-06-12T22:41:00.000+08:00

Gifts

It is strange how gifts light up faces. How it warms the heart...

Gifts... They don't necessarily comes in boxes, bags and wrapped... They don't require tangibility... Sometimes the best gifts are the ones you can't touch. The ones you can't buy with all the money in the world. They come forth as something priceless and not of material objects.

I am blessed to receive gifts like that, they mean more to me than the material gifts. They might come in many abstract forms. Gifts in talents, gifts in blessing, gifts in personality, gifts in luck, and gifts in gifts...

One of the most valuable gifts I have...

I appreciate how there is someone who:

take some time off their busy life and spend it with me,
wishes me on festive seasons,
remembers me even when they are having fun,
bothers to remember what I like and don't,
listens to me when I need to talk,
shares their joy with me,
takes the trouble to make sure that I am fine,
believes in me even when I don't,
makes me a better person,
love me for who I am,
puts up with my antics,
appreciates me,
allows me to be me and still love me - no pretences.

Those are most of the best gifts I've ever received and there are more of them. To sum it up, they are the best people I've ever known, the best gifts I've ever received.

2009-06-09T19:33:00.000+08:00

Measuring

I hate mathematics and there's no doubt on it but there are times when I come to love them. I hate doing percentages, fractions and probability in general but when it comes to dealing with the uncertainties of life, that's when I use maths. There are many times I find myself there giving guilt a lifetime exploration in my mind. I keep double guessing myself using these mathematical elements and tying myself down having the probable results between my palms.

I made my decisions into probabilities, measured my failures in percentages, weighed my emotions and not forgetting about measuring the amount of effort I need to put into perfecting myself.

Question: What is it that I am really measuring?
Answer: Fear.

The reason to weighing is largely or rather wholly due to fear. I fear of failing and of losing. I'm taught to do things right with minimal mistakes. I am taught to do things in perfection and to reach perfection. This is how it hurts when there are things that you merely can't measure or weigh but you've got to trust your instincts and dive in, head first.

You either get your head damaged badly or get what you wanted but it is of course easier said than done. There are times when you wait to react holding you in hostage is the genius mathematical work you've planned out. Everything is timing. I won't want to trust that.

Not everything is measurable, equitable, this is life you're talking about. It's full and filled with uncertainties. Living is abstract, the most abstract work in the world. How good are you at living, hiding, facing, handling... itss all abstract. At times even the person him or herself can't read his or her own living. That is the beauty of life.

Immeasurable.

2009-05-28T00:53:00.000+08:00

HELL-O

We always say 'Hello' and it never occurred to me how it sounded 'cause who pays attention to daily words right? Well exception for those who need to but let's just say that people like me is included into the exception list.

Let me unveil the great discovery to you. I was about to send an sms to someone and then suddenly the great enlightenment came to me. Why do we say HELL-O to people? Seriously, this is just from my twisted mind. Its like a warning to people that you will be giving them a HELL-O LOT OF HELL. So I said HEAVEN-O. Ok stop having this images in your mind =_=" I know its lame.

But seriously, have you ever thought? Hello is a greeting to people that you meet even if they are people that you are not interested to know. Its a manners they say. In my mind right now, there is nothing really much left at this wee hour except some twisted cynical thoughts.

Speaking of those, I somehow manage to pull some strings between HELL-O and why it is called HELL-O. The thing is when you greet someone like that, it indicates that you at least know the person though a very shallow relationship. So from that HELL-O you sure do need to expect some hell from that person. This is very pessimistic and not advisable to be applied in real life, just like those useless college/uni text books that is so majestic theoretically but not practical in real life. So once you know or somehow just know the person by saying HELLO... you are surely to somehow create some hell for that person. It doesn't matter how big or small the 'hell' is, maybe there is no 'hell' at all but for theoretical sake, we must assume that there would be 'hell'.

Think about it, maybe that person didn't really want to say anything but had to 'cause you said HELL-O. So it is some kind of 'hell' already. As for me I did create some 'hell' by poking fun at my bestie. In other bigger 'hell', one could possibly make you do something you don't want to but because of that HELL-O, and since you are now friends, you just do it. So would that HELL-O serves as a "I am bringing Hell upon myself" warning or its just a greeting? Its for you to think and definitely serves as a good topic for an over-thinker!

That all I've got from the cynical and twisted mind of mind at the moment.

Hehe :D

2009-05-22T20:09:00.000+08:00

Baking Life

Baking has found its way to my brain and suddenly there's a jolt in the merging of my right brain and baking... The yeast has found the main vessel and grew a family there and made that control room of mine into its playground. All of that until they made some sense in the merging, and drove me here... oh well they did say that merging is some hope for good. Some good did happen.

I found the recipe! Rather, I discovered the recipe. Those emails had done a good job in circulating the 'recipe of life', you know those how to be happy kind... you add like 1/4 cup of smile, 2 cups of positive thinking and etc. What I found is not those 'cause measurement can be nasty at times. So I don't want to use this perfect recipe that's always printed on books, penned down and even uploaded. Geez technology... you not only get digital timer and digital scale, you get digital stove, the great microwave.

Whatever happened to the conventional granny's 'follow your heart' recipe? Salutation to those great ancient chefs, they should be awarded Iron Chef instead of those phony T.V. reality show where the Iron Chefs are almost permanent. "Life", that's what they say. Yeah right. Its all about putting the right amount in and not wasting.

Here, in baking too much or too little would spoil the product. I rather have too little than too much. Its really 'life-based', you see those rich brats out there pouring money into sewage? Those are the result of 'too much'. They practically get too much of good things in life to the extend that they don't appreciate or rather in baking terms, do not compliment the dough. Its like putting all the good ingredients in the dough that eventually spoils the dough and ends itself in some waste-land. That is happening in life, you provide all that is good and the best for your kids and in the end of the day they turn out to be a waste.

Reflecting at a 180 degrees, those with too little would also spoil the product. BUT... yeah the cliche. The scoring point here is you get to improve it until it is good enough to go into the oven. You can still improvise it before putting the death sentence on that dough. Just like the child who didn't get enough, one learns to struggle and with some effort to improvise, one won't turn out to be a bad cookie. However, the probability of coming out of the oven in a complete disaster comes in more quickly and at a higher rate than the improvisation. The devil in us is really athletic when it comes to serious business like gathering its empire of minions. All we need here is patience and faith. The need to believe that there can be improvisation and the dough would turn out good is the secret.

Baking has not only been all sugar and flour but also the brain.

2009-05-12T12:44:00.002+08:00

Patience

That word rings so badly in my head for the past few days yet I was too occupied with other holiday laziness to write. That is one kind of patience I guess. The lazy kind of patience. Hmm... so this patience thing used to be one of my biggest flaw. I was always flared up and hot headed before this. I believe (still believing) that its purely hormonal.

Patience is some kind of training, it requires constant work out and practices. As far as I know, I didn't develop it in a day or two its over the years in a very odd and cheesy way. Not revealing that one.

Patience is something I'd say as to wait for something without feeling angry or even regret the wait. That was the type of patience that I got after some real training. The waiting is definitely tough and harsh, I'd grumble and get all flustered over it but it subsides gradually and eventually it went on with only a breath or two of those grumbles.

After all these years... I've learned to calm down and try to pit-stop at logic before going over to angry. In this I find myself getting more sense out of it than getting the pressure up over a grain of what seem to be problem before this. In fact, patience reward you not only with lesser pressures it helps you value things in life. The slowing down and being more laid back definitely helps in enjoying life.

Oh great... I've lost my momentum in writing this thanks to the holiday mood at full swing. I've been too involved with baking and getting all excited that I'm totally losing the words in my head. All I know is I better scoot over to the flour and eggs before my brother made me into the waffle topping. Promise to write a better post next time and say no to procrastination.

2009-04-24T16:52:00.000+08:00

Nature of Fear

Fear - is a feeling of threat when you are in danger (dictionary says so)

I, on the other hand... see the feeling of fear as a nature, as in the normalcy of how living things react when they feel threaten or somewhere along that line. It all came to me when I was nearly attacked by a mob of monkey in uni the other day and when I saw a monkey in front of my room (on the 5th floor) trying to come in. I felt fear.

Then I realized, that fear actually emerge when both the monkey and I are clueless on what we will do to each other. It resulted to the baring of his possibly rabid gingivitis jaws and my reflex on slamming the door with a little 'FEAR' dance after realizing that the monkey had extended its arms to me.

I have no idea what it will do to me but I just acted out of fear shutting it away from me to safeguard myself first without second thoughts. Or so that I thought of it as safeguarding myself. On the other hand, the monkey might have acted that way with possible thoughts that I'll probably hit it or push it off the corridor that would send it straight down - six feet under (literally).

The common ground here is the underlying curiosity in our thoughts. There was no room for any other elements to appear in our minds as fear rushed pass the rest . Instantaneously, when we are unsure of something it would result to only one word 'H-A-R-M', thus activating the defense alert. Being so, the high level of defense in the living being mechanics itself to the survival mode, doing whatever it takes to survive. Survival is microchip into the living's genes, which explains why the survivors fight/defense to live - Darwinism applies.

What lies in fear? Uncertainty. Because we are so uncertain of what we do not know, we assume for the worst, we are engineered to be that way, reflex they say. Nature, say I.

"The reason we all like to think so well of others is that we are all afraid for ourselves. The basis of optimism is sheer terror."

-Oscar Wilde

The quote above reflects what I have observed but in the opposing direction. The reason we all think so negatively of what others would do unto us is that we are all afraid for ourselves. Fear is the acting armour of uncertainty.

p/s: Its the first nature post in this new ground. It feels nostalgic yet exciting.

2009-04-11T22:18:00.000+08:00

Intention, Action and Results

Most humans are cynics, though there are many uncorrupted ones that still lives in the bubble, protected and unexposed, yet. Don't be so quick in judging my statement, it is just a little mind game of mine trying to stream you into the perspective I am looking at.

I said we are cynics because we usually would ask people this "What is your intention?"
Due to the cynicism, we often read intention as 'getting a repayment in exchange of a deed'.

That is how the world became so misunderstood today... The norms, the concept of norms, the norms of a society and all of the alike that took over individuality. That and that alone is seen to be succeeding in the mass production line of 'human moulds'. Which is the obvious revolution of individuality to majority, leading to the segregation of individualist as the living minorities from their majority 'counter part' (often disagreeing and obviously apart)?

So that was about cynicism, manipulation of norm and how it affected this world in my perspective. That was my little historic understanding on how the word 'intention' is misinterpreted.

Intention, through my understanding is the aim and the reason of an action. In my standpoint, everything a person does needs the base of intention because an aim, is usually accompanied by a drive to achieve the aim.

That drive acts like a synapse to initiate the action. Thus, intention is the root of most actions. Actions then lead to results.

Its like a flow, one leads to another. I would not belittle any of the three as each has strong impacts upon one another. The biggest impact however, is the results as it affect a bigger radius of elements involving the living beings.

The rule of basics applies - the importance of base, core and root as a foundation of a great impact.

In my sight, INTENTION - THE CAUSE OF RESULT

2009-04-10T14:25:00.000+08:00

Under The Umbrella

Today is cloudy and rainy, it adds up to the gloom. Not as if I wanted to feel that way... It was purely unintentional. The weather, my emotional forecast. Though at times like this, I sometimes react at a reflective of a 180 degrees. Other coincidental days are like today. It is not easy on my side either, feeling this way that is.

When I answer some personality quiz in the future that should ask 'What is your biggest guilt?' they should have an option that state "weather-driven emotion". Should the weather be persecuted? Perhaps...

Watching the droplets of water on the bus's window smeared by the wind. It would be really good to curl up on bed with a good book to read. Complimented with a hot cup of tea. That is how a perfect rainy would be for me.

The loud tapping that came from the roof reminds me of how hollow it is to spend a rainy day by yourself. With four walls surrounding me and a narrow room with no human presence other than myself. It felt hollow. Deep inside I felt pangs of emptiness.

My... my... Under the umbrella... Its really just my emotions and I...

2009-04-02T01:58:00.002+08:00

First Name

Leaning back on the bench diving deep into my world of thoughts, I saw how articulate your clothes were, ironed to primp and perfection. It was as if you were engineered to be like this. The skeletal structure of your body was perfectly framed and more perfectly fitted with your struts had my assumption flashing in once more.

To a certain degree, I do admire the perfection you portrayed along with boldness encircling your aura... You didn't need to pound your face with make ups nor did you need a pair of heels to look taller. Vice versa, you neither need a designer suit nor a leather briefcase to show how suave and smart you are... You look symmetrical naturally, as if crafted that way. All those physical material is secondary compared to what you have within yourself. At any point of time, it will put just about anyone in the hall in awe only by looking at the way you compose and present yourself. No wonder those ordinaries had an alter decorated and dedicated to you.

Strength.

Was forced into my mind and probably another few thousand out there. It was bolted and sealed into our cerebrums. You win! Hands down.

Suddenly it rang to me how the volume and weight of your verbal deliverance had had the sitters blown away as if they were in the midst of a hurricane. Again, it was a remarkable sight for someone whose achievement is quite a portfolio in comparison to the length of your mortality. Now as you slowly emerge from that idol suit you were costumed in, I felt a tinge of discomfort building up at a slow but strong pace.

I am never a solid believer, in fact never even a thought on your beliefs. The thought of what you believe itself is indeed too much for a person called me to comprehend. I could spot how some of the crowd still has glints in their eyes when your suit wears off. However, to me the sparkle that had accompanied your walked in had turned into a fierce, hungry, fire and had you blazed down. It had charred the charm you naturally had when you stepped in... Finally conscience called in.. the longer I remain on that seat the more nauseous I became and eventually it made my stomach churned.

Honestly, I would have much preferred it if your first name was Humble.

2009-03-31T15:33:00.000+08:00

Over A Cup Of Coffee

The reflection of the clean full-pane glass window mirrored us... Exactly like how we appear, an opposing manner...

There we were once again in that little cafeteria. Maybe people like it there because it is so small there was barely any space spared for formality. Everything looks so intimate, so family-like... the people, the furniture and even the air, felt so close, so familial. Under all the layers of complicated scents, what is it?

Maybe... That's what it is.

Over this coffee table is a person. A person whose existence I knew of and took noticed of for a sum of a few hundred days and some millions of hours... We fitted perfectly in this melodrama the cafe had set. The scent of freshly grounded coffee, cinnamon, and freshly baked croissants. Ah... Croissants, about to be filled with tuna freshened with sliced tomatoes, cucumbers and lettuce had it, my favourite savoury.

It pulled off. We did too.

The creaming and icing came in aptly as if planned, a soft classic was playing in the background filling the gaps in the air...

We, as usual had our little introductory talks just like the previous days. Nothing too deep nor shallow working at the right amount of mathematics. To be frank, I am not ready to commit these conversation anywhere more than this. This same coffee table would be my best alibi, serving like a recording device, if only...

Whats keeping my presence from coming back tomorrow is the refreshing aroma that vapours itself from my cup. It is similiar to some kind of ritual, or rather, routine... Like how the miners used to clock in and clock out...

As the Earth revolves, the fashion statement evolves, the aroma of coffee changes.

2009-03-30T16:34:00.000+08:00

Turning Back To Blogging

It has been probably two years since I blogged publicly. I do blog occasionally but its more of a hidden blog where only those really close to me know of its existence. Honestly, I am blogging again because I miss the fun of creative writing. Posting absolute gibberish with style and total nonsensical flair is something I really miss. Apart from the tedious academic writing and quick boring posts that relates my life... I don't do much writing.

The true confession is; I am afraid that my artsy fartsy side of writing would soon wear out as formal writing is slicing it bit by bit. I am also shocked at how bad my spelling became from all these lack of writing while the speed of it plunging downwards could cost me a hefty speeding ticket on the road. The cause of it? I blame my lazy self. The short forms I indulged on instant messaging and SMS is really eating my language. Not that I had really good language command before this... and thats the big problem. I can't let it go lower than before.

I remembered how I started routine blogging in my sixth form with a fellow classmate/friend Cheng Sim. We wanted to get at least a Band 5 for our MUET exam and thought that we need to practise writing 'cause our writing were not really flattering. Thus we started blogging a lot. Made lots of friends and had lots of fun hiding our blogs from nosy classmates and schoolmates. Now I am going to blog like before to improvise the English. I abhor the sight of my deteriorating language commands. English gone bad has a company, that is Malay gone rusty... due to lack of practise. I can't write proper Malay anymore. I was used to acing Malay in school and my teachers were proud of me 'cause I am one of the very few non-malay that can score on Bahasa Malaysia. Now... its like I can't even write a sentence of formal malay without it sounding really broken.

What am I to do? I might occasionally blog in Malay to sustain it from being too rusty. Welcome gibberish! :) I feel a sense of excitement!!!