Masking it

So yeah they caught me. They saw what was beneath those piles of masks. Its true that I was puttting up all the layers and masks to look strong and brave when inside of me, its all mushed and crumbly.

I'm not happy and I try very hard to be. I bought new paint, I baked, I go out, I kept busy but in all that I do I bled. How can I possibly be happy when the happiness I had is no longer present. I don't know how to smile from my heart anymore. I don't know if you are happy coz I am not. I feel terrible and I don't know how to brave things through. I am not ok, things are not good. I can't put myself to cry coz I need to brave it knowing that you are not there to tell me its ok and that we will figure things out together. Together was what kept me strong, now we are so apart, I don't know how to do this.

I am useless with this coz I kmow very well how much I need you. In all that I do I see your shadow, how am I suppose to face this. Sometimes I wish I didn't have a heart. I miss you and it is the worse feeling ever yet I cannot tell you. I'm lost and I am heartbroken. I am really that useless

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How Frail

Maybe everyone is right about now big a fool I am. I kept consoling myself and I kept buying the idea that it is good to have my freedom back and the false impression that life is moving on.

It just hit me when I got worried and know that now I am not even able to be there for you. It hurts me to know that there is this big big gap in between.

I can't sleep without mr ray because he is the ray that you gave me. The ray of assurance but now he is a ray of void yet I'm not able to let go of him. I am pathetic and it is sadder 'cause I know of it.

I hope to go elsewhere, start anew and build myself back because all the talk now is a frosting of a fighting crumbling confidence. Yes, because what I had was love and one that I believed in. How is it possible that it is easy? I was just holding it up 'cause I don't need to make more people worry. Suck it up idiot, suck it up.

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