2024

Been more than a decade since I wrote here. Seems like my writing days are gone pretty long ago. 

Had an emotional episode at the doc's today as I found out that he is advancing his retirement. I felt helpless all over again. Feels like 20 again when I first encountered autoimmune disorder. Helpless and lost. Did not expect myself to get emotional as I have never lost it infront of him. The stoic him, sat and hear me out with compassion when I told him that this is a very long journey and I am getting very exhausted. Each day I have to coax myself and come to terms with me all over again especially so when it is a down day. Not knowing how it feels to be 100% is not great but I have to push myself to function and to be productive under that circumstance. I have to work harder than most, consciously or not, to compensate the lacking. 

It feels terrible to not be able to articulate and express myself from brain fog. I get frustrated that I cannot complete my own sentences and I can't express myself to the exact nuance of my feelings and emotions. Feels like my freedom of expression has been robbed. My foggy mind does not feel as sharp and agile and I feel it deteriorating. I need to refer to recipes as I am confidence with my muscle memory, even with recipes that I am familiar with. I am trying, trying to calm my nerves, manage my emotions, manage my expectations, but, am I really managing? 

I am struggling. 

But too hard headed to be defeated.