Brain Waves

Humans can be the most ungrateful being on Earth at times. I am one and I know that I occasionally have this 'assface/ass-phase" in life. The times where I feel like this whole world is against me and that Feng Shui/Karma/Voodoo and what nots are out there grabbing me like I am some food supply being dropped into zombieland. I am not alone and I know. That does not make me happy either 'cause there's other neurotics out there like me.

Having that brain check did me some good. At this point where I am still struggling to know how to go about with things, I somehow coaxed myself into numbness. I heard me telling me sweet nothings of things that is secondary nonetheless important.

It really is frustrating to come to realization on a hospital bed after being throughly ogled by some space-tech doppelganger machine. It was like a freakin' avant garde coffin!
I was numb through the entire drama until some quiet time at night. There's where all the mindrama came in.

What if my brain is screwed? What if they find some weird patterns?

I won't be able to laugh it off with "My medical film is artistic. Let's hold an exhibition" or with any stupid tasteless jokes of mine. What would I do? How should I break the news? What do I want to do?

I just really want two things. Cliche but true.

First; I want to spend quality moments with people I love. The boyfriend, the non-biological family, and the family. But, I would like to die with none of them seeing me catch the last breath 'cause I don't want people looking at my stupid gasping for air face. Too ego and vain for that.

Second; I want to make a difference in someone's life. I want to reach out to people and make a difference in their life. This is really what I want to do for a living.

The graphic details of ballistics in my head just really magnify who and what are important. At the end of it, it does make me feel like a dumbass to to pay 2000 bucks and a night of discomfort to figure that out. But I guess, sometimes we just get so bogged down with racing, we focus entirely on the medal, not realizing that we are losing gems that we didn't need to lose.

Ringing Bells and Screamy Nerves

Alarm. Snooze. Alarm. Shower. Dress-up. Go... to... work...

Typical wake up, office job, come home, catch up with long distance boyfriend, sleep. Repeat the S.O.P. the next day and/or until life is sorted.

Not so for the past two weeks 'cause I woke up and went to work with half my face being paralysed and did not realized until afer lunch. Since I am oh-so-good with attracting weird crap, my auto-brain just processed with it's another allergy episode. No fret. The antihistamines can wait. No panic buttons, no emergency sirens, don't dramatize your life, you don't need it.

Well done. I did not freak out but others did. Symptoms of strokes!!! GO TO THE DOC NOW! So I went. As I pre-diagnosed; allergy. It didn't subside overnight, ok maybe I should start panicking. God of all information, I seek ye; GOOGLE.

Search: half face paralysis
Finding: Bell's Palsy
Personal finding: I'm awesome like that

Went to the doc again 'cause obviously it's no allergy. Felt smart when he told me it's Bell's Palsy 'cause I figured it out through great G. So here comes 60 mg of steroids and Acyclovirs. Medical leave, drugged, mobile internet. Life was spent as such. Weekend over; back to work, still disfigured.

Everything got worse, added two pounds of swell and a dozen of numbness, also it's follow up day. Got a referral letter to seek specialist's opinion.

Specialist opinion: Bell's Palsy + do an MRI to ensure no hanky panky = Admission

Thus, MRI after a long day spent at the hospital, no brain weirdness. Just go electrocute your face and get some facexercise and load up on drugs.

However, I am getting a lot of  "nerves" as in pain.

Here's the souvenir of part of my undamaged brain scan.

When You Think It Worst

Remember when you asked why is life like this? You may have heard that it is a riddle, an adventure, a book that you're the author of, a journey and all the other yaddas yaddas...

Maybe.

There are many ideologies that tries to define life and one of it says "You define life", my thought? It's a yes, no, probably.

When I thought I've hit rock bottom, I am kidding you not, that's not it. There's always a rock at that rock bottom. You're never quite rock bottom if you did not hit the core of the Earth, and pierce through it and then have yourself sling to the other side of where you were. Quite an adventure.

So you think it worst? The worse is yet to come.

Days Like These

Rain, thunder, lighting - perfect epitome of my life right about, now. I am in this complete spin of I don't knows and hows with a dash of whys. There hasn't been much direction eversince that day and I am once again caught in that though with a bit more direction but all too misty and rocky.

Walking in the mist just brought another cliff dive and start again at ground zero. While some ran forward, I just keep going in circles. How long more and how much more is there to go before I finally find that direction and really, just walk in it.

There are factors and factors and factors. Now that word itself just sickens me. It's all between the brain and the heart. A career that is not quite one, a dream that is far off reach, a financial status that is neither here nor there. Seriously, how did I mess up so badly?

Once again I find myself lost. This is not the first but hopefully the last. Again and again.

Comfort me and let there be hope in this time of despair and pain.

Lamentations 3:25-33

The Message (MSG)

 ^25-27God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits,
   to the woman who diligently seeks.
It's a good thing to quietly hope,
   quietly hope for help from God.
It's a good thing when you're young
   to stick it out through the hard times.
 ^28-30When life is heavy and hard to take,
   go off by yourself. Enter the silence.
Bow in prayer. Don't ask questions:
   Wait for hope to appear.
Don't run from trouble. Take it full-face.
   The "worst" is never the worst.
 ^31-33Why? Because the Master won't ever
   walk out and fail to return.
If he works severely, he also works tenderly.
   His stockpiles of loyal love are immense.
He takes no pleasure in making life hard,
   in throwing roadblocks in the way: