I really didn't want to write this or even say these things to you but I don't have a choice anymore. I have tried so many things in so many ways and I cannot see it breaking through. I need to let you know how I feel and that I am exhausted. I am so exhausted from trying and my heart is breaking again. I don't know how long more I can do this, I can't seem to withhold them anymore. I am sorry that I needed to unload these to you now, when there are so many things going on in your life. I just can't put up an act that it is ok, because it hurts me each time I hug and kiss you, hoping that everything will be ok when it is not getting any better.
I feel that you have been taking me and this relationship for granted. I was disappointed that it took you 3 months to realize that me coming here is a big deal, that I am putting my life on hold for us. I thought you knew it before this, I assumed that you knew. When you said that you are sorry, I thought that you understood what it means and how big a deal it is for me. But I found myself at disappointment again when we last fought, when I brought the matter up saying that it means I am putting my life on hold, letting go of chances and opportunities, you retorted with 'why are you speaking as if you are 30 or 40. you're only 25 and opportunities probably hasn't even come yet' I was very upset because it didn't seem like you understood what I am sacrificing. Opportunities and chances may come and I would have to let them go because this relationship is important to me but the way you said it made me feel like I was belittled. You asked me is life not better for me here? Is it really better when I can't work and when there is no financial freedom? When my education is probably not recognized to get me a decent job? Is it really better?
Things that you say hurts me at times but I know that it is because I am sensitive. For example, when I planned and threw that surprise birthday party for you, you said 'but I paid for all the ingredients' I know that you meant it as a joke, but what you didn't know is that I paid for a lot more other ingredients on that day. When you said that you will not bring down your morals just to marry me and keep me in the country, I was hurt because it came across to me as I am not worthy. But I know that you didn't mean it that way. I know it was just the way you speak, and I was being over sensitive. That is why I didn't want to make a big issue out of it. Nevertheless, I was hurt. I was hurt when you think that I was lying to bring you down, when it was to me a communication breakdown. I was hurt because you could even think of me in that way. I was hurt when you brought up 'why didn't i question what we can do to make option 2 work' why didn't i question the ways to manage our finances. It's because I trust you when you said that we can't cut down on anything anymore and I didn't want to be a burden that will make your life quality drop. It should be something that you initiate and I didn't have to query your logic behind finances because it is your department of expertise. However, I wouldn't have chosen option 2 knowing how much it will put us both in a struggle.
I am going to sound really self righteous here but I need you to know and it will make sense of why I said this. I want you to know the things that I have been doing beyond what your eyes could see and I want you to tell me what you have done beyond my eyes could see. Coming here as you know was not easy. Working for the money was one, but what you didn't know is the fact that I am putting my family and my own reputation at stake. Being in an Asian family, you should know how words will spread that we are living together uncommitted. Though we did not involve ourselves sexually and sin in that sense, no one is going to believe me and rumours are spreading behind my back. But I knew what I am getting myself into. I have been reading up a lot on relationship books and articles, I even read the ones that discusses on commitment issues. Because I really want this to work. In order for that to happen, I need to understand what I didn't and I try every way that I could to understand and see from where I could not. I have been praying almost every single night not for the past 3 months, but it has been for the past 6 years maybe. The reason why I always try to digest things and not speak up is because I know that I often speak in outbursts of emotions and I didn't want to say hurtful things though I know I sometimes do. I try to calm myself down and set my emotions apart, I try.
All of these things happening had me questioning myself. Do I love you? No doubt that I do, so very much. I asked if I am doing this as a compensation for the insecurities in my life? Am I in this relationship searching merely for security? It is not, because more often I was insecure than secure. I remembered you said that it didn't feel like I am your girlfriend, it feels more like a best friend thing. Then you told me that you cannot see yourself marrying me when we were going out. And now, you want to put this relationship through another test because you are not sure. I don't see myself getting very secured and I am not afraid to be single, I am not afraid to walk out of this relationship, but I chose not to because I love you.
What I need is your commitment and what you cannot give is commitment. I have told you before that I cannot be in a relationship that is not as committed as I am. Partner's visa does allow me to work if I get it but if this relationship falls, it also means that you have to immediately report that and I will need to leave this country. That is as much security that a partners visa can give. I cannot live a half life, youth has it's time. I can't afford to take another leap into the maybe. Things don't work if you are not committed to making them come true. I don't know what else is there that I can do. I am exhausted.
