I shudder, I shudder, I shudder...


In a month, I'll be let loose to decide my destiny through this chapter of adulthood, in full autonomy. OH YEAHHHHH! Do what I want to do, live how I want to live... DOUBLE OH YEAHHHHH! Sounds supreme. It does, if you have a concrete direction not build on clouds and sand. Disney doesn't happen on this tarred road that gets either too hot or too cold.

Burst! Burst! Burst! All your airy colourful bubbles.

The world is a better place with traffic lights and even better with people taking it seriously. The traffic lights are gone now 'cause you are your own traffic light. Red, Yellow, Green. Whats and whens are in your hand!

By now, your mind should've had a distinct sense to your direction. Yet, all that's there is a cloud of mist occupying the gap formed by your skull. Awesome.

With that cloud of mist working its way up there, wobbly came crashing in to heat it up. That's how steam pressures work. So in the end, you look like a retarded zombie.

Is this the mortar board dilemma?

Me and I on a Sun(ny)day


I value 'me time' in fact I overvalue them. There are days where I'd just sit alone looking at the sky and the trees, just me and myself. I find it peaceful to speak to myself. I admit that I think a lot. I like to think and I enjoy it. There are times I wish I could go somewhere alone and spend time with myself. It is important to me that I have quality time with myself and the only presence I want when I get into this mode is nature.

I get alone time today as my classes were cancelled. I should be happy but I'm not. There is a sudden pang of loneliness that crept in me. I started missing everyone badly and it is one of the worse ones since I've been away from home in these three years. Suddenly it felt as if everyone is far away, too far from me.

All these late nights and assignments had me neglected a lot of people. People that matters a lot to me. I went far from them. I feel sorry for myself that I've become this workaholic that doesn't sleep and pushes myself beyond the limit.

I need to learn to be dependent. I have issues with dependency and I know that I need to be dependent 'cause I can't do everything on my own. Well it's just hard 'cause I've been independent almost at all times. I'll learn it but it's going to take time.

I know I might've disappoint people when I just kept quiet when they ask me to depend on them. It's not that I don't trust you, it's that I'm not used to it. I'm sorry. I'm learning and this is one of the toughest thing to do. So please just have some patience with me. I'm trying.

Directory


The thick book of numbers and names and ad spaces. Names listed in alphabetical order, industries and sectors... Printed in tiny fonts on thin paper, it would make your eyes bleed when you try to read it like a novel.

A directory is suppose to get you to your target destination but more often than not it takes you for a ride. Browsing through the thick clustered book of information, if you can call it a book.

Basically thats how we live. We aim at a goal but we don't usually get there so quickly and easily. You've got to identify, go through the strain of finding it, and put effort into getting there.

Directory. It doesn't get you there, it directs you to the first clue.

That's what it does.

My find in the directory? To be frank, I'm reading it like a novel. A little scanning and skipping. Too many words, too many numbers... But somewhere along the way I believe, I'll stop reading it like a novel.

12.42 in the a.m.


Two Red Bulls is not keeping my shutters up. How did that happen? BullLeh? I don't think so. It's Tak Boleh for me now. I can't even process simple info. I think it's the crash again, no it's just a crack now.

It's the monthly blood drive (get it?), late nights, early mornings, and the latest member of honour, sniffles and tissues. The amount of Coke I consumed over the week is sufficient to get me Diabetes in 1 month. Coke is the new Panadol. That should be the next doodle.

I can foresee the crash in a week. It better not happen while I am trying all sorts of anti-virus here. You name it I got it! Herbal tea, lots of water, 100 plus, Chinese Herbal Syrup... Whatever I can grab. I'm awesome at self medicating. Maybe I should get some advice from the Chief Monkey at the jungle behind college.

What I need now is recharging. I'll shut down for two hours and hope that I'll restart in time.

I should enrol for "Self-Valuing" course.

To Recharging! *and.hope.that.i.don't.die.halfway.*

12.56 a.m.

I'm Also Made of Flesh and Blood


Through these years, I've cried silent tears, fell sick in the dark, and is weak from the inside. My shoulders aren't that wide to carry all that's befallen unto me. I'm not an umbrella to shade and shield you from the weather. 'cause I need shelter too.

Beneath this surface you call skin resides flesh and blood. They are real, they feel pain and they bleed too. Just as you bleed and tear. I do too. 'cause I'm not any lesser or more than you.

I'm not born tall, I need those heels. But what I don't need is you putting me on that high stairs... For you to have a reason to think that I'm that admirable and abled. I am not that great, in fact far from great. 'cause I'm just as ordinary as my face says.

I'm not strong, smart, or whatever goodness that you think I am. I am none of that. I'm just stubborn. Plain old stubborn. 'cause I'm born with a head of rock and neck of steel.

I strive. I strive hard. Sometimes more than what I could afford. At all expense, at all situations. Get beaten to the ground, stand, and strive again. Sometimes I run right after, get injured, stand, and aggravate my wounds. 'cause I'm just naive that way.

I refuse to let you, you, and you down. I tire myself to live up to that stairs I put myself on and that me you've modelled in your mind. Only to get myself more of you and less of me. 'cause in the end I'm doing it for the betterment of you then me.

Really, I'm just as plain, uninteresting, normal, and weak like an ordinary.

Expectations.

The Sky Chaser


I went to town by bus today. I secretly like bus rides, the old school buses with windows pushed down. I like to feel the wind against my face. It makes me think of the times when my grandpa used to bring me for rides on his motorcycle.

So today, I sat on my favourite spot, by the window...

Wind against my face, I looked at the sky. It was blue and clear with some white fluffy clouds... the way I like it.

The sky, I like the sky. It comforts and assures me when I can't find peace within myself.

I looked at the sky throughout the ride. The sky fascinates me. There is no ending to it... you can never find an end point looking at it. Its vague horizon beyond us...

As I gaze, I thought in silence... The sky is so big, vague, limitless, and beautiful. It's dreamlike gazing at this big vague space above my head. I felt like I have a lot in me, I feel this ample of space allowing me to do what I want...

It feels like the sky is always with me that same spot I was looking at, the sky is following me, chasing me, as I move. That is of course naive. I knew that the sky wasn't chasing me. Instead, I'm chasing it... Chasing it with my gaze. Like how we chase our dreams...

Then I looked at the ground, the plants were dead, burned.

The sky, where dreams live. The ground? That's where reality is.

But I'm the sky chaser.

Personal Declarations


So, my absence here explains a lot with what has been happening in my life lately. Apart from crazy schedule of due dates and mid-term exams and going outs, there is something else. I don't usually expose too much of personal things except the angry rants and tantrums. But this time it's different.

I know I am a champion at making my blogs private, I'm not going to make this one private, I'll try not to. So this post is actually quite a surprise. I'm surprise if any of you still come here. But if you do, here it is.

I am now not an individualist anymore. I am now in a relationship with a person whom I called my best friend from as far as I can remember. We're not perfect people, we have our flaws but I'm happy that way. So confession is the emo posts are mostly about him before we hit the official button. Sometimes life is weird like that. We didn't see it coming as we thought how it would be a large scale impossible but we did it.

There would be a great deal of challenges for us to face in future to secure what we have build everyday since I don't remember. Thing is I'm glad that we are willing to take it up and to work on it. No one knows where the future lead but we know that we're working towards the future. Many people wouldn't understand what it takes for us and how this is not some for-fun games. That's okay with me, even when people look at me as a fool. 'cause they were never there along the roads we traveled, the bumps and storms we've braved as well as the laughter and affection we've shared with one another. The joy and happiness that we bring for each other...

No one would understand it like us.