Menthol Crystals (Ice)


I'm inhaling Menthol Crystals which Dad and I called "Ice". I'm at it again, I fell sick again. The typical flu, cough, fever, sore throat thing. I hate it when I get flu. It blocks my airway and made it hard to breathe and it makes my eyes droopy. It feels like you're sleepy when you're really not.

I'm suppose to be doing my assignments but my mind is as blocked as my nose. Nothing seems to flow through the numbness. None of the people I want to talk to is online. I feel so lonely at the moment. It's the being sick part that's got the best of me. I feel so incompetent to myself, my healthy self.

It's really getting to me and it's making me an emo-bitch. Looking at how I'm always sick and breakable. I feel so incompetent. Quite recently I was walking too much and exerted Scarley The Left and it hurts so much. I've come to the point where I know that I cannot go for jungle trekking and extreme stuff. I am not saying that I've come to terms with it, in fact I'm quite reluctant to accept it. That makes me emo. I don't know how small things snowballs itself and makes me emo.

Few more months and I'll be a graduate. I'll be off on my own feet. No more parents financing. Thus, I'm going through the dilemma of what will I do, what am I going to do? I hate to think of it 'cause I don't really have a direction, lost it along the way. I admit that I don't take one day at a time, I hate to be insecure. TADA! There you go, Mel!

I want to be a soap bubble. Float and burst and that's it. Along the way you make people happy and then you burst and disappear. I am on some unknown tantrum. I'm being a 5-year-old.

Drying Up


It has been insanely long since I wrote anything that is not in the academic flavour and I find it hard to believe that my mind is drying up in the way I see things. I miss the times where I can relate to almost anything and see it from another point of view. Create a very strange and surreal connection to it and salvage it all like it's some diamond dusted lollipops.

I miss writing. I hope that this weekend getaway would reunite my "normal" neurons and have some electrocution take place, burn down all these tedious academic formalities that I have temporarily installed. These dry and tedious program had transformed me into a boring, practical, and uninteresting object. I see a cup as a cup and a table as a table. Sigh... when did my world become so logical and formal. BORING!!!

I need my warped mind back! I miss the swirlies and colours and bubbles in my painted world. This reality is killing my nerves! I hate how the world had things etched in "practicality" and rigidness. We are kids in this big playland. Why freeze everything and make the world gloomy and grey? As much as I hate it, this uninteresting side of the world is slowly pulling me into it's gravity. *screams*

This Island Escapade better do me good. A little bit of nature and alone time and friends and some mind-swirling drinks.

Signing off is,
Mel the Boring

Reminder: It is The Second Day of 2010


Ok... I feel like being doped straight down to the bitter bitch. Made worse by being overly jealous of someone who have a macho dog and worse still I don't even know that person in reality. Listening to Coldplay... that's like feeding lemon to lime. I was so hyper just a few hours ago and now it feels like the dark cloud floated above my puny head and give me a good shower and zapped my brain.

I skipped from being commercial happy that it's a New Year to check-in to Hotel Emo. Phew... It's the New Calendar that resides on my right with a picture of a hot car in gold, the cause. It is the fact that it is January 2010, to be precise the 2nd of January 2010. Oh damn, I only have two more years to live. Ok, I was joking on that one. Chatting with my besties I shouldn't be in emo-ville but I am. Mood swings and hormones. Whoever said being a woman or the fairer sex is easy? Freaking chauvinists. It takes a lot of effort to be a woman!

I just realised that I didn't have a "Resolution List" this year. I stopped planning my life in details like I used to. I would've drafted a 2-year plan knowing me but this time around I didn't. When people asked me the most dreaded question of year 2009/2010, "What are you going to do after this?" I smiled unwillingly, as a duty of mannerism and said, "I don't know". Those close to me have this look on their faces going, "For real? The planning freak didn't plan?" Thing is I have been planning my life for, forever and seeing as how most of it screwed up, I guess this time I'd sit back and enjoy the breeze wherever the wind brings my sail.

I mean what's the point of planning when more than 60% of it just go otherwise and some just slip in, out of no where and when you least expects it. In a snap of your fingers, your life change and diverge from the picture you've been painting and still painting. Life paints itself. I've learned that with so many paintings in hand. Not forgetting the ever growing white canvas that feels like a birthday gift, you know each year you get some extension on the canvas. As if telling you, "Don't paint over your previous ones, start fresh". Or so I thought. Thing is the canvas didn't grow, I was the maniac who thought I've filled my canvas with the intense concentration of what I want to see and the intensive detailing I've put myself to focus on the square that I can control, so I thought. I fail to shift my sight to the ever wide canvas that was laid in front of me. I'm just a human, ordinary and flawed. I get obsessed with what I thought I can control until the paint drips onto the painting, unexpectedly of course. Only then I realized that I've been caging myself in this square and have neglected the unoccupied ones. So yeah, I lived in this tiny square of legacy.

The drip made my painting flawed, in my eyes. It is a package that comes with the OCD installed in me. The least I can do is make this drip less obvious by compromising. That is, creating a new image and paint it until another drip comes by. It is a cyclical process. To be honest, I am tired of running in circles chasing my own shadow and trying to paint it, again failing to understand that it doesn't work that way. I see myself not in the mirror but in that shadow I've been chasing. But shadows are dark, a reflective of what you are doing. How can I find myself there, who am I kidding? Me. So that is why I can never see myself and I dig deeper in the ground over my shadow, got confused and I only see emptiness. So the chase to perfection runs itself like a rally that never ends.

Chasing myself in that crazy loop eats my energy, made me ignorant, and made me a harsh bag to myself. It's chasing a carrot, and yeah that made me feel like a donkey. I've always lived in this crazy OCD planning and chase for a long time, all I know is to cope with the detours and compromise the weather change. In fact it drains me when things don't come along smooth sailing, I'd get depresso, treat myself like garbage, give myself a double dose of harsh, self punishment was as natural as breathing.

2009, thank you for putting me through a railway of nails and blades in my painting. If not for that, I'd still be that big ignorant fool. Who believes in her square, who chases her own shadow. It taught me to lower my ego and to have faith in myself and in others. To believe that I need others too and that I am not good with being self-sufficient. That was one of the bad episode of my life but like all the bad episodes, I learn and progress from it. Like all bad episodes, it prepared me for a good ending. I fell hard, wounded, and was mentally injured. The incident doesn't matter anymore but what did is the time spent on healing and recovering. 'cause those are the times when I look at the world with ego almost out of sight. The world amazes you when you are looking at it from the bottom.

So 2010, this is what I'll do, I will let you take me wherever and I am only going to plan things that is concrete and not by any means construct concrete. To the coming 363 days, I have no idea what is coming but I am glad that I'm not in it alone. The probabilities that I'd fall back into that stupid person I was are there but I'm not planning on how to exterminate that 'Personality A' of mine 'cause I still have some of it in me. So no Plan A or Plan B in mind. Though I can foresee that there are certain tough beef out there for me to chew, I'll just sit back and chill until it hit me. Just me and the wind.

I realise that the no resolution list is somewhat untrue in a definitive way, but hey don't take things in that literal fashion.

Mel,
The ex-convict of planner-holic.