If I Were To Die, I Want You To Follow This: 1st Draft


I know this sounds awfully morbid but being an urban young chinese the word 'pantang' doesn't come near to me. I don't see why people fear death so much. I am not fond of funearals but I don't mind myself dying. Its a natural thing, you were born and now you'll die.

Attending a funeral recently had my family talking and it came to me that I actually want to plan my own funeral. I don't see anything wrong in it. Its part of life and why not make use of it. Ok, fine I am obsessed with personalising stuff. Yes, even my own funeral.

Now lets get started,

1. Anyone who comes near my coffin MUST wear colourful clothes. Try not to wear the mourning colours. Wear as much and as bright and happy colours as possible.

2. I want my poetry to be compiled into a booklet and is given as a gift to those who come visit.

3. I want my paintings to be put up so when they run out of topic they can talk about me. hahaha

4. I want a slideshow of photos to be playing, especially of the good times I had.

5. I want a guess book made of big art block and there would be colour pencils and SHARPIES! So people can doodle on it.

6. Worship songs should be playing all day round. Haven't had a list though...

7. People should be served with happy food and happy drinks, there should be BUBBLEGUMS, LOLLIPOPS, and COLOURFUL SWEETS.

8. Sing Happy Birthday to mark my second birth with the Lord.

9. Throw a party after my cremation!

I am serious about this. I want my funeral like that. I know that dying makes people sad but why put more sadness to it? We should spread some joy and have fun with me 'the physical' before I turn into compost and ashes. Its the way to pay your last respect to me.

So make sure this is done for me. Else, I'll probably haunt you. Hehehe...

Precious


At the brink of dawn with a mind subconsciously awake, suddenly there was a jolt of the subconscious and the conscious... The current of the subconscious pulled me in and told me this;

"You know why you were so afraid Mel?
All these while you were so scared?
The times when you freaked out... Worried... Skeptical... and being a Paranoid?
And you still are
Do you know why?
Have you come to realization?
All those turbulent emotions...
Have you thought?"

Honestly, I didn't...
I thought it was just a normal reaction in the form of complexity called me...
A person who overthinks.
Not until the subconscious nailed it in;

You are so afraid, so skeptical, so paranoid, so worried, so freaked out
because it was
PRECIOUS

YOU are;
afraid of losing it,
skeptical of being wrong,
paranoid of breaking it,
worried of hurting it,
freaked out for acknowledging it

because it is PRECIOUS...

It is so precious that you want to guard it all the time,
Keep it safe but reachable,
You are afraid of reaching it and holding it in your hands...
because you are afraid of exposing it to danger,
thus, you torment your senses with it...

PRECIOUS...

That was it. It is PRECIOUS

Gifts


It is strange how gifts light up faces. How it warms the heart...

Gifts... They don't necessarily comes in boxes, bags and wrapped... They don't require tangibility... Sometimes the best gifts are the ones you can't touch. The ones you can't buy with all the money in the world. They come forth as something priceless and not of material objects.

I am blessed to receive gifts like that, they mean more to me than the material gifts. They might come in many abstract forms. Gifts in talents, gifts in blessing, gifts in personality, gifts in luck, and gifts in gifts...

One of the most valuable gifts I have...

I appreciate how there is someone who:

take some time off their busy life and spend it with me,
wishes me on festive seasons,
remembers me even when they are having fun,
bothers to remember what I like and don't,
listens to me when I need to talk,
shares their joy with me,
takes the trouble to make sure that I am fine,
believes in me even when I don't,
makes me a better person,
love me for who I am,
puts up with my antics,
appreciates me,
allows me to be me and still love me - no pretences.

Those are most of the best gifts I've ever received and there are more of them. To sum it up, they are the best people I've ever known, the best gifts I've ever received.

Measuring


I hate mathematics and there's no doubt on it but there are times when I come to love them. I hate doing percentages, fractions and probability in general but when it comes to dealing with the uncertainties of life, that's when I use maths. There are many times I find myself there giving guilt a lifetime exploration in my mind. I keep double guessing myself using these mathematical elements and tying myself down having the probable results between my palms.

I made my decisions into probabilities, measured my failures in percentages, weighed my emotions and not forgetting about measuring the amount of effort I need to put into perfecting myself.

Question: What is it that I am really measuring?
Answer: Fear.

The reason to weighing is largely or rather wholly due to fear. I fear of failing and of losing. I'm taught to do things right with minimal mistakes. I am taught to do things in perfection and to reach perfection. This is how it hurts when there are things that you merely can't measure or weigh but you've got to trust your instincts and dive in, head first.

You either get your head damaged badly or get what you wanted but it is of course easier said than done. There are times when you wait to react holding you in hostage is the genius mathematical work you've planned out. Everything is timing. I won't want to trust that.

Not everything is measurable, equitable, this is life you're talking about. It's full and filled with uncertainties. Living is abstract, the most abstract work in the world. How good are you at living, hiding, facing, handling... itss all abstract. At times even the person him or herself can't read his or her own living. That is the beauty of life.

Immeasurable.